Yes!

If you need a bit of space and extra freedom, simply talk about it with your partner, explain why you need it and take it.

The fact that you are in a relationship does not mean that you have to give up your personal base.

You stay an individual even if you function in a relationship and sometimes, this individual needs to recharge, find back energy and inspiration.

While this might be slightly challenging for your couple, you don't need to give up on yourself and sacrifice your life in the name of the couple's unit.

You don't need to give up on your couple either! A week break is not the end! It is a transition.

Yes! do reassure your partner and tell them exactly what is going on and that you will be back soon.

Pu it this way: taking a bit of distance (like taking a trip by yourself or with some friends) could save your marriage and boost again the fun and pleasure you have to be in it.

It is often by taking some distance that you realize the value of what you have.

This is why taking some distance might be a good idea if you feel this is what you need.

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, articles, time out

Of course not! :)

There are so many steps you can take and those ones are the ones you want to try first!

What are these steps?

• Dive in it with your partner even if you don't really know where to start. Say something like: "I think we face a challenge in our relationship... What do you feel we can do about it?".
• Take some distance to find yourself again. Yes! It is okay!
• Recreate space to protect your couple. Especially if you have little time for each other.
• And so much more!

Your being always knows a possible answer to your challenge.

What you need is to focus on it and start taking steps.

It is often this action which is missing.

Keeping your couple exciting is a skill!

If it does not happen by itself, it is okay! It is even normal!

Some of the challenges you face in your relationship appear in your life for the first time.

Think about it:

Where you ever confronted with the exact challenge you face right now?

What does it mean?

It means that you often need to design a solution for it and ad the skills which are missing.

It can have to do with you, with your partner or with both.

The truth is that you have many potential solutions you can explore to ad to your couple (or your own life) what is missing.

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, articles, intimacy, passion, sex

Passion sometimes dies out because of comfort and stress!

Your couple is simply submitted to too many pressures and there is little time and energy left to feed your sex life.

What does this mean?

First, that you need to make time and nurture your love life like you would nurture a garden with flowers which need care.

Your sex life is very precious and there is no reason to let it go or forget about it!

Many couples simply let it die out because they have no clear strategy on how to tackle that specific challenge.

It doesn't have to be that way!

It is not complicate to reawaken your love!

You only need to play the game and put it higher in your set of priorities.

If your sex life gets some attention only once you did everything else, that's a pity, right?

In another set of posts, we will check exactly what actions you can take for passion and intimacy to be reawaken in your couple!

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

Take care

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, passion, sex

The fact that you are married or committed to each other does not mean that you have to spend all your time together.

This is such a common misunderstanding in many couples.

They tend to believe that the fact that you spend a week holidays apart or that you have a night out with your friends are signs that something is wrong with your relationship.

Not at all!

Your relationship needs to breathe.

If you feel tensions building up easily.

If you feel easily frustrated with your partner.

If you feel your level of excitement or passion dying out.

These are all signs that you might be burning out your love life.

What does it mean exactly?

It simply means that your couple space gets asphyxiated by not having time to regenerate.

Everything goes in cycles.

It is totally normal to have a break from your partner’s presence every now and then.

The only thing which stops you from taking that break and enjoying it is the fact that you believe it is wrong.

Okay, I agree!

These are new ideas.

A 100 years ago, I am convinced that partners would tend to stick together at all times.

You often hear people saying things like:

“It can’t be all fun in your marriage”

“You need to make sacrifices”

I’ll be direct, okay?

Crap!

I can’t believe it!

If you are not having fun in your relationship right now, it is because you did run out of ideas and energy.

It is like pressing an orange endlessly trying to get more juice out of it.

If this is how your relationship feels right now, it does not mean that you are wrong for each other, it simply means that you need to regenerate, reconnect with yourself, activate new sources of energy and power, etc.

Change and renewal are needed in your couple.

If you keep on repeating the same cycle over and over again, your mind tends to get bored.

Passion simply dies out.

Now, if you step out of your couple space for an evening every now and then, you get the excitement thrill flowing again.

It works!

It is magical to feel free from your partner’s judgement or presence for a few hours or a few days.

Again, this does not mean that you have to break up.

It simply means that it is part of your natural needs to regenerate, so that when you meet again, you have some fresh energy to invest in what you share.

Daring to spend time apart is one of the key modern relationship skills.

In fact I don’t know that many couples who dare to embrace this idea.

Very often you need to come to a point of crisis where you are so frustrated of not feeling fulfilled that you decide to take a drastic step.

Sometimes, this can lead to cheating or break up.

The interesting thing is that if you give yourself some freedom every now and then and simply respond to your individual needs rather than your couple needs, you bring in renewal naturally.

This renewal force is like a fresh breeze.

It empowers you, gives you back the control seat and makes you realize that you have a life beyond what you share with your partner.

Very often, partners don’t like hearing this.

They find it threatening because they are afraid that their wife, husband, girl friend or boy friend will run away with someone else.

This is the embedded fear which stops most couples from giving it a try.

What does this mean?

It means that you need to talk about it.

You need to reassure each other.

You need to understand exactly why it is okay every now then to organize an evening where your partner is not present and not involved at all.

Imagine: it is like walking hand in hand all the time.

Sometimes, you want to let go of that hand and feel this renewed sense of total freedom.

It does not mean that you won’t grab that hand again in a minute; it simply means that you can function both as individuals and as couple; which is excellent news!

Can you see how this works?

Because you have this renewed sense of inner independence, it gives you extra power and extra confidence.

This gives you extra happiness and emotional fulfilment as well.

You find yourself more balanced.

When you see your partner again, you invest all these qualities back in your relationship!

This is why it is a win-win: because when you come back, they enjoy a more fulfilled partner.

If your relationship is totally fulfilling right now, it probably means that you found a good balance already.

If it is the case, then simply keep on doing what you have been doing till now as it seems to work.

Now, if you feel that your life and relationship need a boost, this is probably the number one strategy to try.

I am not saying this is easy.

If you enjoyed the cosiness and comfort of your partner’s presence for many years, the idea of not seeing him or her for even one evening can be threatening.

Yes, you are right!

It is a risk!

You always take a risk when you engage yourself in a new direction you did not try before.

Now, this risk taking is precisely what brings in a new boost of freshness in your life.

When you take some risks, (Nothing extreme! J Simply something you did not try before) you invite fresh energy in your being.

All this is very good and positive.

In another article, we will explore the type of new activities you can focus on and how to introduce the idea to your partner.

For now, I’ll let you think about this simple relationship strategy.

I am serious! This could save your marriage or relationship if you feel it is in trouble right now.

It will as well give you a new sense of freshness and happiness.

These are qualities you deserve in your life.

If they were somehow taken away from you, it is time to get them back.

Remember that you and your partner are the designers of your relationship.

You decide what happens next.

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, time out

Why fights happen

Fights happen because there is conflict for power.

You have two mind sets: yours and your partner’s one.

When these two mind sets do not match, they clash.

This can happen anywhere, any time, with anyone.

So why is it creating such a challenge within your relationship?

It creates such a challenge because this is the person you live with.

When you have conflicts at work, you take off in the evening and can relax at home.

Now, when you have conflicts at home, where do you find the space to relax.

You simply can’t.

You get stressed up, more and more tense and build up resentment and aggressiveness towards each other.

The reason you fight is because you don’t manage to solve the power struggles in a different way.

Again, the dynamics are very simple:

You want something.

Your partner wants something else.

You fight to win.

You fight for your mind set.

You feel pressured.

You feel challenged and cornered.

You react by defending your territory and your mind space.

Control issues

Control is a natural given power.

When you are born, you are given the power to control what is yours.

Your thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, actions, attitudes, time frame, personal space and belongings are all yours.

Your most basic human right is to have control over these aspects of your life.

If someone tells you what to do, what to wear or what to think, they already steal a basic human right from you.

Now, when you partner with someone within a relationship, something new happens: you start calling someone else “my partner”, “my husband”, “my wife”, “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend”.

This is where the problem rises at first.

It creates a natural “sense of belonging”.

Now, what does this partnership mean?

When you get married or commit to someone, do you say something like?

“From now on, you are the one who tells me what to do and when to do it. You have the power to direct my thoughts and feelings and I surrender my own will power to yours.”

Of course not!

What you say is:

“We partner in a space of mutual respect. I stay master of my life but we create a new entity called “us”. I transfer part of my individual power to our relationship so that we can live and
evolve together in harmony.”

The moment your partner believes they have the right to tell you what to do and how to do it, they cross the line.

they can suggest, guide and propose alternatives but you stay in charge of your actions no matter what.

Your attitudes, beliefs, time frame and other aspects of your personal integrity stay yours, always.

The moment someone steps in your territory and steals your right for self determination, you react and fight back.

You fight for your freedom of thought and action.

You are and stay in charge of your life even when you are in a relationship!

Of course, it works both ways!

It is essential to remember this:

The moment you tell you partner what to do without them giving you this right, you are already abusing your power.

You can say that you do this in the name of your relationship or in the name of protecting your children; you still take away their power of self determination.

This free will they were born stays in their hands when they get married or commit to this relationship with you.

Their power to be in control of their lives is not taken away.

If you end up fighting, it is usually that either you, them or both are not respecting each other's freedom.

Control is a very powerful force.

It is useful and needed in society.

Now, it is as well a weapon which can turn against your relationship.

Most relationship fights and break ups happen because of control issues.

When someone decides to break up or divorce, all they are saying is:

“This relationship is too limiting. I am loosing connection with myself. It takes too much energy. I can’t breathe! I need space!”

The moment you feel pressured by your partner, you say something similar:

“I am loosing control and I don’t want to. I will fight to stay in charge of my existence and express my will power”.

Of course, you work together in a relationship and this means that sometimes you accept someone else’s opinions and ideas and even put slightly aside your individuality in the name of the relationship.

We will discover later how to still make it work even if you make some concessions.

The first goal here is to unveil these power dynamics and understand why conflicts happen.

Control issues are in the core of most relationship fights.

Can you see how it works?

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, articles, fights

Many relationship misunderstandings have to do with “catching” your partner at the wrong moment.

Right timing is essential when you want to reach each other.

Let’s take an example:

You are a woman and you realize during the day that you miss doing fun things with your partner.

In fact you decided that it would be a good idea to take off on a holiday together.

Your partner is at work and you are truly excited about this idea and decide to tell him straight away.

You pick up the phone and dial his cell number.

At that exact moment, he just came out of a challenging meeting. He is pretty upset because what he was told by his associates means more burden and work load for him in the future.

He is digesting all that when he hears his cell.

That’s you!

You are excited and can’t wait to share this idea with him.

He is upset and ready to pick on anyone who asks him for anything more.

With cheerfulness, you present your plan.

His answer?

Not at all what you expected!

In fact he seems totally bothered by it.

Within an instant, your level of enthusiasm goes from a pick to a dump. Instead of dropping it, you tell him something like:

You - “You know what? A couple of years ago, we used to travel and do so many fun things. I ask you one thing and you can’t even be happy about it and say yes, just for once! I came with that idea and you know what, it was the last time!!! Next, I’ll ask one of my girl friends when I want to have some fun, or even better… I’ll give a call to Paul, my ex… Remember? He’s the one who took me on this cruise for my birthday…”

You can imagine what happens next…

Fights! Arguments! Endless tensions!

What the *$!!##!! happened?

This is not at all what you had in mind!

Is this a distorted example of reality?

I don’t think so.

These types of situations happen to millions of couples every day.

This couple I describe is a good match.

In fact, they are quite happy.

What is missing is this simple skill: being able to communicate in an effective way.

And in this specific example, timing is the key!

You realize of course that this whole cell phone fight could have been easily avoided.

Here are two strategies that would have prevented this escalation.

• Strategy number 1 - Wait for the right moment

When someone is at work, their mind is usually busy with something else. Discussing relationship plans, future or issues when they are dealing with business is not a good idea at all.

Wait!

In this example, imagine what happens if in the evening, when you are eating together, you say something like:

You - “Steve, there is an idea I would love to share with you… I know you had a long day…”

Him - "No, it's alright. What's your idea?"

Next, you can simply share your idea in an open way.

• Strategy number 2 - Ask for permission

If you call him at work on his cell, start the conversation with:

You - “Is this the right moment to talk? Or are you very busy? I have an idea… Something I would like to share with you…”

Him - “Well… I just came out of a meeting and I have to rush finish this report, can it wait till this evening?”

You - “Sure, I understand. I’ll tell you later when you get home. Good luck with this report. Love you…”

There is a way of getting your message through. You know that.

Be smart and tell them at the right time, when they are actually receptive.

This is such a vast topic. We could go on and on with examples.

For instance, think about the kind of things you or your partner might say just after sex.

Imagine as well the tensions which can rise just because one of you mentions a challenging topic in front of your friends.

The list of good or bad timings is endless.

Remember this simple connection boosting strategy: Right timing!

Here are some examples of bad timing for discussing key relationship issues or challenges:

• Just before you or him leave for work.
• In the car on the way to a party.
• When your children need attention.
• When you can be interrupted by cell phone or neighbor ringing
  at the door.
• Before you go to sleep.
• When you are out on a date together.
• In public places.
• When you or him are relaxing or having a break.
• Etc

Do you recognize any of these?

Why are these bad timings?

Because you might catch each other off guard and there is not enough space to actually solve or discuss an issue in depth.

So, what are good timings?

• When you planned ahead for it.
• When you turn off your cell phones and know you won’t be disturbed at least for the next 30 minutes.
• In the evening when your children are asleep.
• When you asked permission from each other to talk about a sensitive issue.
• When you are both in a good mood.
• When you are not worried about other issues.
• When you truly have energy or ideas to do something about it.
• Etc.

Right timing makes all the difference when trying to break through a key relationship challenge or telling your partner something important.

Make it a habit to create a special moment when you are both truly available.

If you face a key challenge, rather than talking about it every day, take 30 minutes to discuss it and then drop it.

If something stays unsolved, promise each other to talk again about this issue a few days later.

If it’s not something urgent, having a chat about it once a week works usually really well.

If the issue you face requires urgent attention (dead line, key choices, etc) give each other 3 or 4 days between two discussions.

You need them to refresh and come up with new ideas.

By the way, these ideas work for men and women both ways. Earlier, I took the example of a woman trying to reach her partner.

Of course, roles can be shifted and be applied to guys trying to reach their partner as well.

This “right timing skill” is a relationship savior.

If you use it wisely, it allows you to communicate effectively with your partner.

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, timing

Relationship feed back is a powerful way to stay tuned on each other.

It is the perfect way to share ideas on what works and what doesn't in your relationship.

You can give feed back to your partner.

They can give you feed back.

You can as well give them feed back on your own attitudes and behaviors and tell them about what you believe works or does not work for you.

You can as well give general feed back and say things like:

“I feel we have been doing really well lately. I am happy to see how we managed to deal with this challenge. It definitely works for me. What about you?”

You can as well ring alarm bells when you notice for instance that you are growing apart for some reason:

“I noticed that lately, something has been coming between us. Not sure exactly what it is. I guess we are both very busy and we didn’t really have time for each other. Do you feel the same? What can we do about it?”

You can share feed back “formally” or “informally”.

Formally means that you “set up a meeting and a specific time” to talk about your relationship.

In my opinion, this works really well if what you want to share is sensitive and requires true attention.

For instance, this would work if you need to share anything about challenges on your sex life or something which is really starting to irritate you with your partner.

Check the article on "How to create a forum space" for more on that.

When you give feed back informally, you simply go with the flow and use existing opportunities to share what is there.

Be very careful with this.

If you prefer giving feed back informally, be aware of timing. It is not a good idea to offer feed back when they are not expecting it or busy with something else.

Don’t interrupt them.

Instead, find a moment which is suitable for both of you: an evening when you both have time or a moment in the week end.

For instance, as you come out of the movies one evening, you can say: “I really liked what you did in there. What you said really touched me”.

Be subtle with feed back.

Don’t overdo it.

If you tell them something which is challenging, give them some space to digest and think about what they want to do with it.

Wait at least a week before you ask them again or mention this topic again.

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, feed back

If dialogue does not happen in a spontaneous and instinctual way, the idea is to “formalize” it.

Don't be scared!

This is a good thing:

You want to have a meeting with your partner.

You need to make an appointment with your partner (Yes! I'm serious! :-)).

Put 30 minutes aside and fix a time.

I know that this can sound artificial but it is not.

It is actually the most effective way to empower your relationship.

You give it direction and bring in a new quality.

Here is how to establish it:

If you feel that your relationship is in trouble, go to your partner and say something like:

"Look, something is not working between the two of us and I believe we should do something about it. We are growing apart and I don't like that. Our relationship is worth fighting for and I want to reconnect with us. Let's fix a time on Thursday to talk about it. 8pm?..."

Get your partner to agree! This is about your relationship's survival.

On the appointed day, create a nice atmosphere.

If you both like it, open a bottle of red wine for instance or get some other drinks.

Make it cozy (not intimate :-)).

Turn off your cell phones, make sure you won't be disturbed and sit down.

Give each other 30 minutes.

That's all.

Whatever you reach after 30 min, drop it and let it go.

It is okay if you did not break through and found a final answer to your challenge.

Simply drop it after 30 min no matter what.

Following week, do it again.

Here is the kind of things you can say when you start:

"Look, over the last few months, I feel we have been really stressed up. There is more and more tension between us and I would like to do whatever it takes to bring back the complicity between us. Do you feel the same? What do you think we should do?"

As you can see, this is not an attack on your partner.

You talk about your relationship and finding strategies to solve a challenge you might face.
If you respond to tensions in such a way, you'll give each other space to express feelings and concerns.

I know this looks formal but it is by far the best approach.

Believe me! This works!

All you have to do is get over the apparent formality of this approach and do it.

Go for it!

Design strategies together.

After 30 min, drop it and do it again the following week.

Make it a weekly habit and a priority until you find answers.

If after a couple of times, you feel stacked, ask for help from a coach or a relationship therapist.

They’ll help you set it up and give you communication tips and extra strategies.

It can easily take a month to establish a forum space for your relationship and 3 months to feel like you truly own this new "communication tool".

Why only talk for 30 minutes?

Because after 30 minutes the intensity and positive energy drops.

Finish on a high note when you still have lots of extra energy.

Don't stretch it.

Gather ideas.

Write them down.

Take notes for the coming week and next meeting.

It takes time and dedication to establish new relationship skills.

Your couple is worth it!

Do it!

http://vitalcoaching.com/vitalcouples.htm

To your couple!

vitalcoach

Labels: all posts, articles, communication, dialogue, relationship forum

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