Suppose that she starts chatting a lot with a very invasive male colleague.
He frequently texts or calls her in the evening.
You start feeling frustrated with this issue…
What do you do?
Right there you have 4 possible options:
- Talk to her
- Deal with it yourself
- Have a chat with a friend or family member about it
- Call me
- DEMANDING – “Stop talking with that guy!”
- INSECURE – “Here is how I feel…”
- OPEN/CURIOUS – “I have a question…”
What do you think works best?
- “I want you to stop…”
- “I request that you stop speaking with him…”
- “I demand that you change your attitude…”
- “It’s either you do it or…”
- “Sure… I see it makes you insecure… I will stop connecting with him”
Or go for her second option which sounds like:
- “I don’t remember giving you the right to tell me what to do!!!”
- She holds back
- She can’t really trust
- Can’t connect
- Feels unsafe
- “Please… I beg you… Stop…”
- “It weirds me out…”
- “Here is how it makes me feel…”
- “I feel threatened…”
- “Are you falling for that guy?”
- You express emotional vulnerability
- You admit a power gap
- You share the fact that it hurts you
- “Sure, I understand… Sorry”
- “I can’t hold your hand”
- “I am not your mum”
- “You should see your shrink”
- “Your problem, not mine! Deal with it!”
- “I have a question about our couple… Is this a good time for you?”
- “I face a dilemma and I want your input”
- “I have a challenge and I am not sure what the best solution is… can you help?”
- “I really like what we have… I face a small challenge…”
- “What do you suggest we do?”
- “Yes, let’s design a solution together.”
- “So, what you are saying is…”
- “What do you feel works best for our couple?”
- “So, if a girl, an ex or colleague was frequently calling me or texting me in the evening, you would be ok with that?”
This last one is ESSENTIAL.
She can either say something like:
- “Oups!… Yeah! You’re right!… I would not like it… Sorry! I didn’t realize… I can see now… I’ll tell him to stop contacting me”
- “No problem! I would be absolutely ok with that!”
- “I am absolutely not challenged with you having hot female friends. As long as you don’t sleep with them.”
- “Actually I think that having space for this kind of connections is good for our couple.”
- “I am not doing anything wrong with that guy… He’s just a good friend. I am absolutely committed to our relationship and I would never cheat on you, you know that, right?”
This is is why this approach is so thrilling… It is because it REALLY creates connection.
WHAT IS YOUR GOAL WHEN YOU TALK TO HER?
You want to emotionally connect, right?
Or do you want to fight, compete and pressure?
You want this discussion to bring you closer, not further apart?
Which of these approaches do you feel creates that?
After reading these detailed scenarios, which of these 3 attitudes do you think work best?
- DEMANDING – “I request”
- INSECURE – “Help me”
- OPEN/CURIOUS – “What do you think?”