I have been with my husband for close to five years. His solution to disagreements is to yell, “Then we are done,” or “Get out.” I don’t try to bring him to this irrational and defensive conclusion, but he insists that I do. How can we stop this? We continue like it was never said, but it is always in the back of my mind.
That’s his way of bringing the argument to an end. It happens because he reaches what we call the “saturation point”.
Arguments and pressure are okay until you reach a certain point. This is the moment it starts hurting and he feels drained.
He finds a way of getting out of it and bringing it to an end.
The idea is to shift this battle field. He pulls back because he feels attacked. This would not happen if you two were bringing the fight to a dialogue ground.
The idea is to stop attacking him. It can be the wrong timing. He simply needs space. Give him that space. If you need something from the relationship you are not getting, go to him and say something like:
“Look, there are some things happening between us which are bringing us apart. I would like to tell you about what I’m feeling…”
Then follow up with making a special time to talk about your relationship. Check the “create a forum space” chapter for more on how to shift from fight to dialogue.
The moment he yells back, it is the sign that he is cornered and does not like it. He is not getting your message anyway and feels pressured.
Step back and give him space. Find another way of saying what you have to say. Create a special moment for that.