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He just divorced but has pictures of his ex everywhere!

He just divorced but has pictures of his ex everywhere!

Postby Guest » Fri Jun 11, 2004 8:50 am

------- Side note ---------------

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http://vitalcoaching.com/breakupformen.htm

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http://vitalcoaching.com/breakupforwomen.htm

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Hi,

I am seeing a guy who was very recently divorced. He and I have been very good friends for several years, so it was fairly easy for us to begin dating. I knew his ex-wife, though not well, and they were together (on and off) for many years.

The thing is, she has moved all of her stuff out of his place now, but there are still many things around. He has boxes of stuff from their past in his closet and photo albums full of photos of them. He is going to save his wedding band because of the emotional attachment. He is the one who called off their relationship.

They are still in touch, often because of necessity to finish up various items of paperwork, etc. He says they barely speak or email, but there's no way for me to know that for sure. She is seeing someone now as well.

I cannot stand that he is holding onto all of these things from their past. It kills me. I have told him this and he has said he will move the boxes out of his place, but will not get rid of them. I would never ask him to throw them away because that would not be fair. It is his past, his memories.

I know that he loves me and I love him, but I just cannot seem to get past his past, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I hate to even hear her name or think of them together. It hurts me to know that he has felt all of these things before, and that he has said all of these things to someone else in the past. See, I have never loved anyone before him.

Any opinions or advice? Has anyone had a similar experience?
Guest
 

Postby vitalcoach » Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:41 am

Hi,

Looks like you two have a good start. I think that what you face is crucial to make the relationship work on the long term.

I'll be direct, okay?

When you start a new relationship, you want to have some form of control. You need to establish the roots of the new relationship.

Right now, you are trying to have control over something you can't control. This creates this emotional friction you feel inside. Simple: you can't control or change his past.

The "psychic" presence in his wife is obvious. You can try to change him, shift his environment, guide him with that, all these things... The truth is that it will simply create huge tensions and struggles between the two of you. Why? because it's his life. You are trying to control something which does not belong to you.

What to do do? The only option I see is to shift the way you stand in there. The place you have right now hurts. Why? because you are ready to invest everything and he is not. He alreday did. The place his ex has in his mind is still very special. I don't see a divorce as the end of a relationship. It is the evolution into something else. They will keep relating but in a different way.

There is disbalance and that's what hurts you: he has two persons in his mind. You have just him. Sure, in many ways your are number one. In other ways, his ex has roots in his life you don't have. This creates a disbalance of power. You simply give more than what you get back.

As long as you don't live together, you have little power over it.

On the other hand, if you slightly step back and take a bit of distance to let him deal with all that, I am sure you'll feel better. Slightly desinvest emotionally, and reinvest in things which do belong to you. Trying to speed up things will only create extra tensions between the two of you which is exactly what you don't want. Step back and give him space. Invest more into your own life (new friends, male friends, career, house, family, etc.)this will bring back the balance.

Does this make sense?

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach


Last bumped by Anonymous on Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:41 am.
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