what to do

what to do

Postby rd » Mon Nov 08, 2004 1:10 am

i'm seeing a women for about 4 months who is living with her boyfriend who she says she love yet she feels the need to be with me sexually at least once a week sometimes more. if it was just sex i would get it but we connect in everyway. we go shopping together, she calls me when she is out of town, most of her friends know about us, some of his friends know. he has confronted her about me and told her not to see me. i've picked her up at the house when he was there. she has stayed over i,ve stayed over their house. we have talked about this and agreed not to see each other as much. that worked for a week. i sense happiness yet sadness in her about tihs. she crys after sex at times and then we immediately go at it again. the problem i'm having is the i think that i'm in love with and yet i know that i can never tell her this. i also believe that she is in love with me too, but she still claims love to him. she always tells me that they are great yet i sense doubt because of little things she says and does. not to mention the fact that there is an us at all. we gone to far to be friend again and i want her to be in my life. i'm a pretty secure guy and can accept reality yet this chic does it right for me in all ways i could not imagine not knowing her and she tells me that i will always be in her life.

any thoughts.

Postby vitalcoach » Tue Nov 09, 2004 7:38 am

Hi rd,

I can imagine it is a bit confusing.

The first step is to trust what she says. If she says that she likes the man she is with, simply believe her. It's certainly the truth.

Your mind wants to find a crack, and belive that it's not working between them. Facts tell you otherwise. Stay real!

This situation can become extremely draining for you...

Why is that? Because you give and invest in her more than what you receive.

This creates an unbalance.

Right now, you are still okay, but it could become more frustrating for you if you keep on feeding the relationship and see that nothing really changes.

Right now, you are in a situation of polyamory. You are dating a women who loves and shares life with more than one man.

If you are okay with it, it's no problem. Now, if you feel tension building up in you, don't wait too long before you take action and redesign the way you stand in this.

She is free. This means that you can't force her into anything.

She will follow her instincts with that and any form of demand, pressure or possessiveness is a turn off.

What to do? You can slightly step back and lower your expectations.

You can as well do the same as she does and date other women.

Right now, it feels like you are already expecting more than what she wants to give. My advice is: step slightly back and get your emotional freedom and autonomy back.

If you see her and spend time with her, focus 100% on fun, complicity and quality time.

Stop trying to solve the way she stands in it. It's her decision. The only thing you can control and truly shift is the way you stand in it.

There could be dozens of opportunities waiting for you and you might miss them because of expecting the world from a woman who is already semi committed to someone else.

The choice is yours.

If you want to gain extra clarity on this topic, check this link and sign in for a couple of sessions

I would definitely be looking forward to coach you that.

Good luck!

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Joined: Sat May 22, 2004 6:06 pm

Postby sarah! » Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:32 pm

My problem is a little different to that....

I started to 'hang round' with this man that lives directly accross the road from me, at first we got on brilliantly! We were into all the same things, we even had the same problems with relationships!

After I knew him for quite a while we got alot 'closer'. It felt to me like we were in a relationship, I was committed to him. Although he used to tell me he needed a girlfriend and it made me feel that I wasn't good enough for him, so I used to tell him he should be more confident to go and talk to girls.

So he did - The day after I gave him oral sex! He met this girl and all that day he ignored me! I felt angry with him because I felt used by him, The next day was the same and I heard he was goin out with her. I text him saying I felt that she had replaced our friendship and everything and that I hoped that he would be happy with her.

The day after I sent the message he talked to me, he then finished the relationship with her as soon as we had finished talking.

He had me thinking that he wanted me instead!

We were getting on really well again, 2 days later he met another girl and he started another relationship with her, we still got on well but it felt so different. He was with this girl for about 3 weeks and it lasted until the other day when they had an arguement and they ended the relationship.

The night that relationship ended he wanted me to perform oral sex again, but I refused and went home! I sent him another text message telling him that I couldn't do it because it would only result in me having more feelings for him and that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him with another girl if I felt anymore! He never said anything about the message to me so we carried on as normal. Barely 2 days later he was back with her. (That would make it today!)

Now I feel so confused about what he wants from me, and I like him so much! I was just being used and I know that but was that because I sounded un-interested at first?! Did I scare him away by telling him to find other girls?! I want him! lol

Please Help!

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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:35 pm
Location: uk

sex, intimacy and exclusivity

Postby vitalcoach » Tue Feb 22, 2005 7:49 am

Hi Sara,

I know exactly how you feel.

There are two important things you must shift in this:

The first one is stop seeing yourself as a victim in that.

He did not use you! No one does.

Sex is an exchange.

It is two ways, always.

When you say "he used me" you put down what you really shared.

You depreciate your connection and see him as someone who manipulated you in doing something you did not want to do.

This is far away from the truth.

The second step you must take is shift the way you stand in this.

Right now, you are still committed to a guy who is not committed to you.

This is why it aches and hurts.

He wants to be free? Then consider yourself free as well.

You owe him nothing!.

Take back your freedom!

If you don't want to have sex, or intimacy, it is your right to say so.

You owe him nothing.

Repeat this to yourself!

It is essential!

You are free

Next step, talk with him and tell him exactly why you can't do what you did earlier.

Say something like: "I care for you, but I do need a sense of mutual commitment. You don't give me that. If you want us to be intimate, I'll need us to be sexually exclusive as well. I need this for both of us"

You establish a new boundary to protect yourself in the future.

By the way, you can decide for yourself the exact nature of this boundary.

You can for instance be okay with some light flirt, light intimacy, kisses but refuse to have intercourse or oral sex for instance.

You can as well go with having sex but decide to have multiple partners (same as he does... Make sure you practice safe sex though :wink: ).

What matters is that the boundaries you design match exactly what you need.

If you feel love ache, it is the sign that you went one step too far, so it is healthy to step back and find a new balance in the way you stand in this.

Does this make sense?

Good luck and stay in touch

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Postby Guest » Tue Feb 22, 2005 11:47 am

:) Thank you! I will take your advice!


Postby vitalcoach » Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:15 pm

you're welcome :wink:

Last bumped by Anonymous on Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:15 pm.
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