What if he doesn't want to committ? - We argue a lot!

What if he doesn't want to committ? - We argue a lot!

Postby Guest » Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:01 am

Me and my bf argue a lot.

In fact, we broke up and now we still see each other but every time we meet, we argue about the most stupid things.

I want him in my life. What can I do?


What to do when is want to stay uncommitted

Postby vitalcoach » Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:04 am

Commitment issues can be a big challenge for your relationship.

You have two visions or two plans.

Suppose you are a woman and your partner prefers keeping the relationship open and casual.

You want children and marriage and he prefers freedom and space.
If this is the ?emotional base? of your relationship, you can end up arguing about all sorts of stupid things.

In fact, there is an underlying profound split between your vision and his.

Unless you find a way of dealing with this profound difference in your two life visions, the ?little? surface arguments will stay.

You argue because you don't agree on the long term vision for your relationship.

You want a commitment. He doesn't.

Arguing on little things is just a way of avoiding the real deeper issues. You want more and he doesn't. This is why you clash.

A guy is always free.

There can be dozens of reasons he does not want to commit.

If you are from a different cultural background, this is often a solid reason.

If you have a very different social status or financial situation, it can be a good reason as well.

Sometimes, he has a clear vision of what his ideal partner looks like and can?t commit to anything else.

In other situations, his heart is already taken or he is still emotionally committed to an ex.

If he has ?grand visions? for his life, creating a family and committing himself in a long term steady relationship can be a turn off as well. He simply has another plan or vision for his life.

What to do?

Drop it!

If you want more from the relationship than he does, you already create an unbalance.

He gives you only half of his life or heart and you give everything.

You hope for the full story.

This creates an unbalance of power.

You end up waiting and frustrated and do anything to shift his mind.

The more you put him under pressure, the more he rebels and gives you clear signals that he does not agree with your vision.

You end up worlds apart, right?

Disagreements on long term relationship vision are okay.

It is okay to disagree.

What you can shift is the way you stand in this.

If he is 50% committed, take a similar stand and take part of your freedom back.

This means that you can date and basically keep your options open.
You can tell him: ?Look, I am in search of a guy who will commit himself at 100%. I want to have children. I can?t give up on this. I respect your needs but I can?t limit myself with that. You want to be free. So, do I.?

You can give him the respect and space he wants without betraying your dreams or vision. You simply keep on searching.

This does not mean that you relationship with him needs to end.
You can effectively keep on searching for ?Mr. Right?.

Make it very clear to him why you take that road: you don?t want to give up the idea of having children and being in a steady 100% committed relationship with a guy.

Good luck and enjoy!

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Postby vitalcoach » Sun Dec 26, 2010 5:57 pm

New reply on this topic: ... commit.htm

Watch this 4 min video to find out why and what to do about it



Last bumped by Anonymous on Sun Dec 26, 2010 5:57 pm.
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