The first thing to do is understand his inner dynamics.
If he does not open up and communicate, simply share the fun of the relationship, it’s because he has other priorities or worries.
The way a guy solves challenges is often by going inwards.
He will build up energy and focus his energy on a challenge he is facing.
It can be work, business, personal issues, relating issues, personal goals, etc.
Communication and “feeding” the relationship can be the last of his priorities.
Sometimes, it is his priority but he simply does not know how to do it or where to start.
It is basically a lack of skills.
If you invite him to dance and he feels clumsy he will probably refuse because he wants to stay in power and simply perform well.
In many situations, he simply lacks energy and has little or nothing left to feed the relationship.
The truth is that there are many pressures in life and having relationship demands can be one of them.
If you are worlds apart in terms of needs, you’ll tend to grow further away from each other as long as there isn’t a conscious shift of energy.
This is not about you winning and getting him to open up. It is about building a fun and empowering relationship for the two of you.
This is what you want to reach: relationship synergy.
You can drop your weapons. You can drop your differences and focus on what unites you rather than separates you.
What is the way to go?
The goal is to reawaken the flow between the two of you in whatever way.
Anything which wakes up complicity is great.
Now, this means that verbal communication is not always the way to go.
Sitting at a table to discuss relationship issues might not be his number one priority.
I am sure however that any man is open for more fun.
What makes him open up is thrill and excitement.
He opens up because it feeds part of his being.
What you share makes him dream and he is excited about what happens when he interacts with you.
You can shift the target from getting him to open up to having any form of fulfilling interaction with him.
This is the goal.
Again, this means that you can temporarily drop any expectations. (And so should he).
You drop any expectations and rather than having a clear picture of what should or should not happen, you drop it and simply respond to opportunities.
If you have a clear picture of what you would like to manifest it puts him under pressure.
Basically, he has to perform to fulfill your needs.
The goal is to follow and trust your instincts with that and rather than focusing on the context or outcome, focus on establishing complicity in whatever way.
Once this starts happening, words and quality moments will naturally follow.
This means that a lot of what can happen is totally non verbal.
It stays subtle, through body language and intention.
If he feels you frustrated, this of course creates tension and he won’t open up.
The only reason he will open up is if he feels free to do it in whatever way he wants.
This will happen in his own way no matter what.
That’s the starting point.
95% of what happens in a couple happens out of free will.
There is no control involved.
There are no demands involved.
You simply tune into the situation and decide for yourself what you want to do.
There are dozens of opportunities to “play”.
Now, the play won’t be what you planned. Sometimes it will be a simple smile, or a word or an attitude which makes you realize he actually understand you.
The first step is freedom and space.
Communication can’t happen in a constricted or limiting mind set.
You can’t force the love out of someone. It has to happen naturally and flow because both partners want it.
Passion and excitement is the spontaneous awakening of a flow of energy between two people.
Remember this word: “spontaneous”.
You can of course develop better communication and relationship skills.
The goal however is always to have a great time together.
If one person can’t play for a reason or another, it is possible to wake up communication and complicity skills together.
Of course it will stimulate the passion and flow of energy between the two of you but the number one step is to establish a total and absolute sense of freedom between the two of you.
Love can’t be forced.
So, what to do if he doesn’t open up or want to go for it?
Tell him when he does something right.
Say something like: “Thanks, nice to hear” or “I really like it when you look at me that way”.
Tell him when he is on the right track.
Next, tell him and repeat to him that he is free and that you appreciate him the way he is.
If you energy is silently shouting at him, it will turn him off and he will only put up thicker walls to defend his territory.
The greater gift you can give him is the gift of you trust. This is what values him.
Now, of course, if you are worlds apart and you feel frustrated and angry, the best is truly to find a safe environment to express this.
How do you do that? Establish a forum space in your relationship. Dialogue is something you can actively stimulate.
What if he says he doesn’t need it?
You can say: “Look, I know you don’t need it, but I do. I need to share a couple of things with you and all I need is 15 minutes of your time. When is a good moment for you?”
If he says: “what do you want tot tell me?”
Say something like: “Now is not a good time. I have to go. We’ll take a moment to share this on Friday, okay?”
Get him to agree.
15 minutes is not a big sacrifice. I am sure that it is within his possibilities.
Now, when you talk to him, don’t point your finger at him or accuse him of any thing. Instead, talk about yourself and what you feel,
Say something like:
“Look, I feel that lately we are growing apart and something is missing for me that I can’t define. I feel a gap and I want to understand what this gap is. The reason I want to talk about this is not because I believe you are doing something wrong. I appreciate out partnership but I do sense that something is missing. In a beginning, it was a small gap. Now, it is a bigger one. I say this because I am calling for help and I don’t really know what to do next. Any idea?”
There is always a window.
Now, if he feels he is sitting on the judgment seat, he won’t go for it.
The reason you have a chat is because you want to win together.
This is not about your mind winning over his mind; it is about your relationship’s victory. You are both in and you both benefit from it.
This is the first step.
Many more steps can follow.
If he says something like:
“I don’t really know if I want to invest in our relationship”, find out what is going on.
Listen to what he has to say. He might himself be frustrated or tired about an aspect of the relationship and this will give him the space to express it.
Say something like: “Tell me more about it. What do you think? What do you feel?”
If he starts sharing, listen and don’t interrupt him.
Let him give you the picture and don’t judge or try to solve it on the spot.
Give him all the space he wants to share his side of the story.
Give it a week and have another chat about it.
If you feel the moment is right, ask for professional help to help you with this (coach or therapist).
When he finishes sharing, say something like: “Thanks for telling me. It’s important for me to know about it”.
Say something like: “Let’s leave it for this for now. Why don’t we give each other a week to think about this? We can talk again about it in a week from now?”
After that, drop it!
Don’t talk about it again. Don’t mention it! Give it a solid week to let the “spirit of your relationship” work on it.
Don’t mention it at bed time or when you wake up in the morning. Simply give each other space.
This is a powerful way to go!
It is the first step to establish dialogue and give each other space to share whatever is there.