Why fights happen
Fights happen because there is conflict for power.
You have two mind sets: yours and your partner’s one.
When these two mind sets do not match, they clash.
This can happen anywhere, any time, with anyone.
So why is it creating such a challenge within your relationship?
It creates such a challenge because this is the person you live with.
When you have conflicts at work, you take off in the evening and can relax at home.
Now, when you have conflicts at home, where do you find the space to relax.
You simply can’t.
You get stressed up, more and more tense and build up resentment and aggressiveness towards each other.
The reason you fight is because you don’t manage to solve the power struggles in a different way.
Again, the dynamics are very simple:
You want something.
Your partner wants something else.
You fight to win.
You fight for your mind set.
You feel pressured.
You feel challenged and cornered.
You react by defending your territory and your mind space.
Control is a natural given power.
When you are born, you are given the power to control what is yours.
Your thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, actions, attitudes, time frame, personal space and belongings are all yours.
Your most basic human right is to have control over these aspects of your life.
If someone tells you what to do, what to wear or what to think, they already steal a basic human right from you.
Now, when you partner with someone within a relationship, something new happens: you start calling someone else “my partner”, “my husband”, “my wife”, “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend”.
This is where the problem rises at first.
It creates a natural “sense of belonging”.
Now, what does this partnership mean?
When you get married or commit to someone, do you say something like?
“From now on, you are the one who tells me what to do and when to do it. You have the power to direct my thoughts and feelings and I surrender my own will power to yours.”
Of course not!
What you say is:
“We partner in a space of mutual respect. I stay master of my life but we create a new entity called “us”. I transfer part of my individual power to our relationship so that we can live and
evolve together in harmony.”
The moment your partner believes they have the right to tell you what to do and how to do it, they cross the line.
they can suggest, guide and propose alternatives but you stay in charge of your actions no matter what.
Your attitudes, beliefs, time frame and other aspects of your personal integrity stay yours, always.
The moment someone steps in your territory and steals your right for self determination, you react and fight back.
You fight for your freedom of thought and action.
You are and stay in charge of your life even when you are in a relationship!
Of course, it works both ways!
It is essential to remember this:
The moment you tell you partner what to do without them giving you this right, you are already abusing your power.
You can say that you do this in the name of your relationship or in the name of protecting your children; you still take away their power of self determination.
This free will they were born stays in their hands when they get married or commit to this relationship with you.
Their power to be in control of their lives is not taken away.
If you end up fighting, it is usually that either you, them or both are not respecting each other’s freedom.
Control is a very powerful force.
It is useful and needed in society.
Now, it is as well a weapon which can turn against your relationship.
Most relationship fights and break ups happen because of control issues.
When someone decides to break up or divorce, all they are saying is:
“This relationship is too limiting. I am loosing connection with myself. It takes too much energy. I can’t breathe! I need space!”
The moment you feel pressured by your partner, you say something similar:
“I am loosing control and I don’t want to. I will fight to stay in charge of my existence and express my will power”.
Of course, you work together in a relationship and this means that sometimes you accept someone else’s opinions and ideas and even put slightly aside your individuality in the name of the relationship.
We will discover later how to still make it work even if you make some concessions.
The first goal here is to unveil these power dynamics and understand why conflicts happen.
Control issues are in the core of most relationship fights.
Can you see how it works?
To your couple!