🔺 Stop Fights! — Part 5: Real Fight Situations With Solutions

By Francisco Bujan — vitalcoaching.com

Part 5 — Real Fight Situations With Solutions
Conclusion

Part 5 — Real Fight Situations With Solutions

Fighting Over Your Children’s Education

Your children are an essential aspect of your relationship that you both influence.

When it comes to your children’s education, you touch on deep values.

The best is to discuss these issues even before you decide to have children together.

Aspects of their education like religious directions, schools or discipline are all areas which can unveil deep differences of opinion.

If you didn’t discuss these topics before and are confronted with this challenge, go back to respect and tolerance.

Use dialogue.

Remember that each of you is responsible for 50% of the child’s education.

Put the interest of your children first and be ready to make concessions if you feel you can’t have it 100% your way.

Remember! Tolerance, respect, dialogue and diplomacy.

Aim for win-win and always keep your child’s best interest in mind.

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He Doesn’t Want to Commit

If you want to get married and your partner wants to stay free, this can of course be a major source of tension.

You might see profound differences in the way you look at life.

A mature relationship allows differences of opinion.

However, when it comes to such fundamental choice, this can be a deal breaker for your couple.

Here is what you can do: Sit down and really listen to each other.

You might discover that the disagreement you have has to do with timing, finances or unspoken fears.

Very often partners actually do agree on most of what they share but a practical detail turns them off.

A simple discussion could unveil the real source of tension and give you a simple way to solve it.

A strategy I invite you to try is to give up on marriage for a few weeks and observe how it feels.

You might be surprised to see that the moment you give up, it might trigger in him the exact opposite desire and need for higher commitment.

You can say something like: “Ok! I’ll give up for now. I always thought I wanted to get married but who knows, maybe I will enjoy a higher level of freedom and this non-committed thing after all. Let’s try that, see how it works for us.” If he sees you enjoying your freedom and a more non committed attitude, he might suddenly realize how much he’s ready to be with you for life.

You don’t need to give up forever. Simply try this relationship “posture” for 3 months and express your freedom.

If after in depth sharing it is clear that he will never change his mind and that you can’t either, your relationship hits a solid road block.

It shows that your relationship visions are too different to make it work.

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How to Handle Guys Who Don’t Commit

Commitment issues can be a big challenge for your relationship.

You have two visions or two plans.

Suppose you are a woman and your partner prefers keeping the relationship open and casual.

You want children and marriage and he prefers freedom and space.

If this is the “emotional base” of your relationship, you can end up arguing about all sorts of stupid things.

In fact, there is an underlying profound split between your vision and his.

Unless you find a way of dealing with this profound difference in your two life visions, the “little” surface arguments will stay.

You argue because you don’t agree on the long term vision for your relationship.

You want a commitment. He doesn’t.

Arguing on little things is just a way of avoiding the real deeper issues. You want more and he doesn’t. This is why you clash.

A guy is always free.

There can be dozens of reasons he does not want to commit.

If you are from a different cultural background, this is often a solid reason.

If you have a very different social status or financial situation, it can be a good reason as well.

Sometimes, he has a clear vision of what his ideal partner looks like and can’t commit to anything else.

In other situations, his heart is already taken or he is still emotionally committed to an ex.

If he has “grand visions” for his life, creating a family and committing himself in a long term steady relationship can be a turn off as well. He simply has another plan or vision for his life.

What to do?

Drop it!

If you want more from the relationship than he does, you already create an unbalance.

He gives you only half of his life or heart and you give everything.

You hope for the full story.

This creates an unbalance of power.

You end up waiting and frustrated and do anything to shift his mind.

The more you put him under pressure, the more he rebels and gives you clear signals that he does not agree with your vision.

You end up worlds apart, right?

Disagreements on long term relationship vision are okay.

It is okay to disagree.

What you can shift is the way you stand in this.

If he is 50% committed, take a similar stand and take part of your freedom back.

This means that you can date and basically keep your options open.

You can tell him: “Look, I am in search of a guy who will commit himself at 100%. I want to have children. I can’t give up on this. I respect your needs but I can’t limit myself with that. You want to be free. So, do I.” You can give him the respect and space he wants without betraying your dreams or vision. You simply keep on searching.

This does not mean that you relationship with him needs to end.

You can effectively keep on searching for “Mr. Right”.

Make it very clear to him why you take that road: you don’t want to give up the idea of having children and being in a steady 100% committed relationship with a guy.

What to do?

My advice is simple: keep on searching.

Another alternative is to forget about commitment when you are with him and focus 100% on fun and quality time only.

Sometimes, too high expectations can destroy your connection with a man. The alternative is to enjoy the flirt and the connection for what it is without expecting anything else from it.

If you feel you truly want more, keep on searching.

You’ll eventually find what you look for.

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What If You Want to Argue but They Don’t?

Simple!

Pull back!

If you want them to get it, talk when they are ready to hear it.

Create a special moment to talk about it.

Your home is a protected space where you want to feel secure.

When you express demands at the wrong moment, you simply invade your partner’s personal space.

Don’t do it! It is an invasion of their space.

Find another moment that suits you both.

Respect your partner’s space.

This is top priority.

They can have a thousand reasons why they don’t want a challenging discussion right now.

Maybe they are worried about something else.

Maybe they just want to relax.

Whatever their reason, it is their right not to respond to an invitation to argue.

Give them space and make time another day to talk about it.

You should get your chance within a week max.

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Wrong Timing!

Suppose you are a career woman. You wake up early, get ready to go to work. Your partner has been fired 2 months ago. He feels quite unhappy about his situation.

Early morning, you get ready. He picks on you for something stupid.

He wants to know why your ex needed to call last night. He gets jealous without reason. The real reason for him starting this conversation is the fact that he is workless for two months and is frustrated about it.

He has no control over his career right now and misses the challenge. In fact he has an excess of controlling energy (what he usually uses early morning to get ready to work) and does not know what to do with it. You happen to be around. He projects it on you.

Wrong time! Wrong move! He does not respect your space. He is clearly frustrated about his own situation.

Can you see the dynamics! It’s so frustrating when this happens, isn’t it? You wonder why on earth you need to have an argument early morning over something so insignificant.

The reason is simple: he has an excess of controlling energy. He does not know what to do with it. He is supposed to use it in a work context and instead, projects it on his partner (you!) for who he actually cares!

This is a destructive lack of skills and understanding. He needs to understand what is going on. He needs to understand the dynamics of his frustration.

There is an external pressure. He needs an income. He is not making it. He feels stressed because of it. It creates a power gap in his emotions. He feels powerless and vulnerable. He tries to gain back his power by bossing you around or controlling your space, connections or behaviors.

All this is happening for a reason.

What is your best reaction?

Here is what you can say:

“Look darling, I understand you concern but now is not a good time.

I am preparing for work and need to leave in 5 minutes. I really want to hear what you have to say. Why don’t we make a special moment tomorrow evening so that we can talk about it when we have time, okay? I guarantee you that I want to talk about it but not now…”

If he insists, be firm: “Not now” And move on with what you have to do.

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What If You Tend to Lose Your Temper?

Getting angry is an instinctual defense or attack mechanism.

If you own your anger, if can even feel liberating!

You might say things like: “Whaou! I really needed that!!!”

Your fire excess wanted to come out.

What if you could express this fire in other ways?

Some couples do that through sex.

You might choose a business or life challenge and express your conquering drive that way.

You can do some martial arts or train.

You can go outdoor and release this energy through extreme sports.

The goal is to channel that excess of fire in other ways than fights with your partner.

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If They Don’t Do What You Want

Your partner is free!

Shift your mind and establish firmly this into your mind: you and your partner are free!

You are not in a relationship to limit each other.

You decided to be together to grow as human beings and partner for each other’s success.

You have a basic human right to decide what you do and when you do it.

Take this right and give it to your partner as well.

Drop any desire to control your partner!

Imagine what happens when you both drop the need to control each other’s lives.

I am not saying it is easy! I know it is a challenge.

Imagine what happens if you say to your partner: “You know, you and I we do things differently. And you know what?

I love it! In fact this is what creates our relationship. It would be so boring if we were exactly the same. These differences create life. I value you and your actions. I trust you and give you space and total freedom. I totally respect you and trust your actions” This is a fundamental shift!

Imagine how it makes you feel when your partner speaks to you that way.

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What If You Disagree?

It is okay to disagree!

You can end a conversation saying something like: “Well, it looks like we have a different opinion on that… And that’s okay, isn’t it?

This is so simple and it does work.

You can see the same situation from different angles.

Mature relationships have space for differences in opinions You build a system of beliefs which are your beliefs.

Your partner has other beliefs? No problem!

Let them be! Don’t try to change them! Respect them!

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My Partner Is Systematically Late or Doesn’t Even Show Up!

Agreements can be anything. It can be appointments or promises. A marriage is as well another form of agreement. Most “moral” contracts in relationships are not written. Many of these moral contracts are about respecting your partner. Suppose that your partner regularly stands you up when you are supposed to meet. Suppose they show up late or not at all. They might have a valid excuse or simply forget. This can be a big source of pressure and fights in your relationship. If this is the case, I know exactly how you feel. It naturally irritates you because your time and energy are precious. If you feel trapped in this type of pattern, what can you?

Educate them

You take a special moment to tell him how his behavior makes you feel. Ask him if he finds this normal or if it is a behavior he would rather change. Ideally, do this within a “forum space”. Try this strategy first.

Be more flexible

Keep things open. Organize your evening around activities which do not require a fixed schedule. For instance, if you know your friends usually meet in a cafe on Saturday night, keep it open, you might be there, you might not. The idea is to ad freedom and space to your time frame.

Stop making appointments with them If you tried dialogue and nothing changes, protect your time by no longer scheduling appointments with them. What’s the point of scheduling a time if you are the only one who respects it?

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My Partner Harasses Me With Endless Demands

Sometimes, your partner harasses you emotionally with permanent demands and personal insecurities.

This is usually related with a power gap in them. They try to extend their sphere of control over your life, actions, time frame, personal space and behaviors.

If this is an ongoing pattern, it is not a good sign.

Your goal is to establish clear boundaries and make sure they respect your space.

Be firm, repeat the message and use your fighting skills. Make sure that you stay master of what is yours.

It is essential that you feel secure and at peace in your own house.

If you have a partner in your house who is systematically trying to initiate fights, it creates a situation of high instability.

You can have clear boundaries and don’t let them cross them.

Don’t respond to their invitation to fight.

You can say something like: “Look, why don’t we have a chat about this on Thursday evening. I sure want to hear what you have to say but now I have to get back to work. It’s not a good time” Then go on with establishing dialogue and finding out what they truly want.

If you tried dialogue already and their attitude is still draining you, it might be time to have separate flats.

Your personal space should be secured. You should feel safe in it and not have to watch your back all the time.

This type of “permanent threat” can be draining for you. It is your right to protect your personal space. If you have to, move out or kick them out.

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Are You Emotionally Abused?

When your partner systematically initiates fights over insignificant things, it can turn into an abusive situation.

They can get over jealous, try to limit you or over control your actions.

This emotional abuse can be on the edge of physical abuse.

If your situation did reach such extremes, you need to look for help.

There are plenty of sources you can tap into. Check for social services in your community. Check the net. The goal is to look for support.

It would be too long to treat this topic here. In fact we would need another whole new chapter to go into it. If you step into the territory of an abusive relationship, take steps and look for help.

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Work and Business Taking a Toll on Us

You got angry at him because he spends all his time at work?

Your reaction is perfectly justified.

However timing was off.

True! You need to spend time with him to keep the relationship alive. He does not give it to you. You get angry and fight.

When there is tension rising, you need space to talk about things like that. Right now, you don’t have that space. This is why tension builds up and it’s enough to have an extra drop or pressure to make it explode.

The goal is simple: deal with it in another way. I know you two have very busy lives but it’s your relationship which is at stake. It’s either you do something about it (make it priority) or resentment will build up and more tension will come.

You want to gain new skills. This requires serious action. Dealing with it when it happens is simply not enough. You want a real strategy which works.

The goal is to create time to talk about these things? How much do you need? 30 minutes a week. That’s all you’ll need to bring harmony in your relationship.

You don’t know what a good balance would be. Neither do I and neither does your partner, but what matters is that you start talking about what is happening.

You need extra skills to do this. You won’t establish it overnight. It takes about 1 month to feel comfortable with it but I guarantee you that the moment you sit down and talk about it, you relationship’s base will radically shift.

Why is that? Because you create complicity. You decide to work together on a common ground which is the success of your relationship.

Where to start? For now, drop it.

Go to him one evening soon. When you two have at least 5 minutes and tell him you want to sit down and talk about things which are happening to the two of you.

Say something like: “Look, there are a couple of things which worry me. I am afraid that if we let it go, we are going to grow apart. I don’t want that. I believe what we share is truly worth. I love you and I like what we have, but it is time to sit down and work on it together. Let’s make a moment, Thursday evening 8 am (yes!! make an appointment!) and let’s take just half an hour for us to find out what is going on…”

If he does not want it, insist until he goes with it. The survival of your relationship depends on that.

Get him to commit in being there.

On that appointed evening, open a bottle of red wine (or something else), unplug the phones and make sure you won’t be disturbed.

Make it cozy.

Then, say something like: “Look, lately I have been feeling really neglected. I don’t feel good at all with what is happening. We are both under pressure and this is not about adding pressure to our lives.

I want us to find a strategy to deal with this. I miss what we share.

The only thing I need is a couple of hours in the week just for the two of us. I want our couple to win. What we have is worth a lot and I believe if we deal with this challenge together, we’ll come out of it stronger. What do you suggest we do?…” You are here to design a strategy to deal with these tensions.

Simple, you want to win!

Talk about it for 30 min and drop it!!! No matter what you achieved.

No matter what you found, drop it after 30 min.

Take notes; write down what he says and what you say. The following week, same place, same time, do it again.

Now, you have to trust! I know this can sound very formal, but doing this with your partner is the most empowering step you can take right now. It can clear tensions within a week to a month by simply giving you a space to express your frustration.

You establish dialogue because you have a common ground. This is a diplomatic solution which will make you realize how much you care for each other. Do not hesitate. Go ahead and do it. It will shift your relationship’s emotional base.

Does this make sense?

Good luck

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Fighting Over Lack of Reassurance and Validation

You want a commitment.

He doesn’t fully commit to a relationship with you?

You fight because you have two different visions, two different plans.

There are good chances that if you were giving him the space, he might altogether go for it and commit himself to a future with you.

The thing is: there is no guarantee.

Women tend to commit more easily than men.

He obviously prefers keeping it open at this stage.

To build a relationship, you need a common ground. The clock is ticking for you. It is not happening for him. You can try to force him but it will back clash on you for sure. It is already happening right now.

It’s his plan against yours. You two clash because of that.

A relationship is like a small enterprise. To win, you need a common goal. Obviously, if he wants to go South and you want to go North, it creates tensions and the ship goes nowhere.

Many couples do split because of lack of common vision. It can be children related issues. It can be lack of common interests, life vision, career, cultures, etc.

Here is what you can do: You can sit down with him and write down your plan and his plan. Talk about it and identify the exact areas which do not match.

It is truly worth talking about it. Your goal is simple: You want to create a win-win. You love him, right? You don’t want him to give up his plans either. You want everyone to win.

I know it is tough but when there are some major disagreements between two partners (for instance, you want children and he doesn’t), you have better chances to succeed alone than together.

The goal however is to not give up too soon. You can slightly stretch your visions and make concessions until you meet a real limit.

If it’s the case and you know you can’t give up your goal or vision, it is time to break up and move on.

You need courage to do that. You have two options: Staying together and fighting or breaking up and going on with your life.

Both choices are challenging. You can go through a form of temporary transition where you go back to a semi committed relationship and give each other more space.

This is definitely a good way to go. If you don’t fully break up it will give you the possibility to find out if you want to make further concessions on your goals and stay together.

If you fight too much, the best is to give each other more space.

Take some distance from each other. This will give you clarity for your future.

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My Husband Is Angry! — Now, He Unloads His Frustration on Me!

I know it’s tough but you need to stand up to him. Wake up your power and tell him you won’t take that from anyone.

It would of course be great if he would do something about it spontaneously but you have to take steps and go ahead.

You need to protect yourself and make sure he does not cross a line.

The best is to talk about it with him when he is calm. Find a moment when you two can have a conversation and tell him how his anger makes you feel. He obviously loves you and I am sure that he does not want to abuse you in any way.

Tell him that this does not work for you. It is destroying your happiness and pleasure from being together. Tell him all that when he is calm.

Tell him that there is a boundary he can’t cross.

I know it is not easy to do but you can actually educate your partner on that. The trick is to tell him when he is not angry. You can then have an adult conversation.

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Fighting Is Destroying Our Marriage

Right now, there is an excess of stress on your couple.

You express this excess by fighting with each other. You do love each other but get aggressive simply because your mind is under attack.

The aggressive response is simply an emotional need to defend your couple. You want security. Being aggressive is your way of wanting to secure your relationship.

Being aggressive and attacking is simply a way of expressing your power. It is an instinctual response to pressure. In a way it is a healthy response but the way you express it is not productive, right?

What you want is to shift your mind set and bring in a new model.

You want to empower your couple and family, not to destroy it through fights.

The goal is simple: secure your relationship and family space. It is because you two are overstressed that you attack each other. You are under pressure and you project this pressure on each other.

What can you do about it? You need to sit down and talk. The reason why you attack each other is because you have no space to express your resentment or feelings. In other terms, there is little “positive communication” between the two of you.

Lack of time? Make time! This is not optional! It is a priority! You need at least 30 min a week where you are there for each other and listen to what you partner needs to say.

You want to rebuild complicity. To empower your couple, you want to strengthen the binding force. This means that you need to sit down once or twice a week to design battle strategies together.

You transfer the communication ground from mutual aggression to dialogue and diplomacy.

It is okay to be direct and work with powerful emotions. However, when you feel it is draining you and your family, it is urgent to gain new skills and establish a new communication style.

Communication skills in relationships are something you can learn right now. It takes 1 month to get the basics and about 3 months to firmly establish it in your life.

You want to consciously invest in it and develop a new mind set which aims at creating complicity and couple synergy rather than conflict.

You are on a common ground: the territory of your family. This is the territory you want to defend and you are partners in that, not opponents.

Where to start? You need to train those new skills. This means that you need to invest 30 min/week for 3 months. This is what it takes.

Get in touch with a relationship coach or therapist and firmly establish these communication skills in your life.

You are worth it! Don’t hesitate! This is about the survival of your relationship. Do whatever it takes to power up your couple.

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I Do All the Work With the Kids!

The goal here is to share responsibilities. You seem to do all the work in educating the children and he steps back. You reach however a point when the pressure is too high and anger simply bursts out.

The moment your burst is the sign that you already went too far.

In fact, the real challenge is about parenting strategies: how to educate or discipline your children and the responsibility you two share on that.

You want to be together on that.

This is why it is essential to sit down with your partner and design disciplining strategies together which do work.

You want his support with that. You need to be accomplices.

This is why you want to sit down and find solutions together.

Arrange a meeting to talk about it. Ask him questions like: “okay, the other day, X (your son or daughter) was doing …, what do you feel we should do about it.”

You won’t find solutions unless you talk about it.

You are on a common ground and what you want to reinforce is your complicity. You will achieve this the moment you sit down and establish dialogue.

Merely emotionally reacting to your partner is not good enough. You want a more solid ground for your relationship. You want to establish dialogue and design strategies together.

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Too Many of Our Conversations Turn Into Fights

This is a perfect example where you two need space from each other. When you spent many years together you get used to the other’s presence. This “habit” is still there. A part of you definitely wants to go.

Your fighting is an emotional response which says something like: “get off! You are too close”.

On the other hand, there is this emotional attachment which sends another message and says: “I miss you and I am afraid of letting go”.

The solution is to bring fresh energies into your life. Meet new people. Meet new men. Open up doors. Basically, refresh your life.

Sometimes, it is easier to start anew from scratch rather than trying to clean this story.

I can imagine how this makes you feel and I know it is tough.

However, this is one of the situations in which some fresh air will give you back the power and confidence you need.

This past relationship is not giving you the qualities you need. It will be easier to go and find them somewhere else rather than trying to keep on pushing a door which does not want to open.

Dare to stand alone and move forward. Get back your full freedom and full power back and open yourself to fresh opportunities.

The anger and irritation you feel is truly the sign that a part of you wants to clear itself from his presence. Anger is your emotional response to clear your mind from his presence. You want space and freedom. This is why a part of you attacks him.

You want to gain your full independence back and your anger is your way of expressing that need.

I know that what I will say might surprise you but in your situation, your anger and frustration are positive forces. They are the expression of your renewal power wanting to create space and gain total emotional freedom.

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My Partner Will Not Let Us Finish an Argument

That’s his way of bringing the argument to an end. It happens because he reaches what we call the “saturation point”.

Arguments and pressure are okay until you reach a certain point.

This is the moment it starts hurting and he feels drained.

He finds a way of getting out of it and bringing it to an end.

The idea is to shift this battle field. He pulls back because he feels attacked. This would not happen if you two were bringing the fight to a dialogue ground.

The idea is to stop attacking him. It can be the wrong timing. He simply needs space. Give him that space. If you need something from the relationship you are not getting, go to him and say something like: “Look, there are some things happening between us which are bringing us apart. I would like to tell you about what I’m feeling…”

Then follow up with making a special time to talk about your relationship. Check the “create a forum space” chapter for more on how to shift from fight to dialogue.

The moment he yells back, it is the sign that he is cornered and does not like it. He is not getting your message anyway and feels pressured.

Step back and give him space. Find another way of saying what you have to say. Create a special moment for that.

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He Gets on My Computer and Starts a Sexy Chat With His Ex!

You can’t check what he does when he is by himself in his own house.

Getting on your computer to have a “sex chat” with his ex is way off.

Guys need sometimes to be educated on things like these. You can be firm. Tell him it’s not okay! You are 100% right with reacting to his behavior.

Repeat your message until he gets. Make sure it does not happen again in your house. That’s your territory. Make sure he respects it.

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He Is Lying About Credit Card Purchases

I believe you should sit down with him and tell him exactly what is going on and the way it makes you feel.

Money matters can often get on the way of having a trusting relationship.

He might not be aware of what is happening in your mind. Tell him!

Tell him you are offended and tell him you feel it’s messing up your relationship with him.

Educate him on that.

This might be a basic skill he is missing. It is never too late to educate him on that.

When he gets the message, it will be a win-win for both of you.

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I Am So Angry! He Left Me With His Sister!

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. His “delegating” attitude is frustrating.

You have all the rights to be mad. Your time is precious and right now, you are taking responsibility for something he is supposed to be doing.

This is one of these situations where your anger is your way of defending your territory. It is welcome! It is a good thing. Express it! Tell it to him! It is your right to defend what is yours. Don’t take responsibility for what he should be doing.

What to do now?

What would you do if you knew he was not going to be there?

Would you still invite his sister? Do you have a good connection with her? Don’t feel obliged in any way.

Step slightly back and concentrate on what is yours. Don’t feel responsible for his actions or behaviors. The best you can do is disinvest yourself emotionally from this situation and focus 100% on what you want.

You won’t shift his behavior and you might have to let it go for this time.

If you don’t have a close connection with his sister, next time she calls, let him take the steps. tell her something like: “Look, he is not at home right now, but I’ll pass the message as soon as he comes home” I repeat. It’s not your responsibility to make it work.

This is his family. If you were not married, what would you do?

Behave like you would if you were on your own. Speak on your own name, not in the name of you and your partner. This will make sure that your protect your own space, time and energy.

It is a new boundary and you’ll feel free the moment you establish it.

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When We Argue, I Tend to Hurt Myself

Hi, Constructive fighting in relationships is healthy. However, there are certain limits to respect.

When you start hurting yourself, you cross one of these limits. This is the moment when your fight can have really bad consequences.

You must not go there. It is simple.

Hurting yourself is not acceptable.

The way to go is to step back from that and simply learn to fight in a different way without hurting neither you or your partner.

Put it this way, next time it could be a car crash with even worst consequences.

This is a fighting rule: Don’t hurt yourself or your partner when fighting.

How do you stop hurting yourself?

Well, you need to kick something, right? This is a natural aggressive behavior which is healthy if you express it in a different way.

How?

Take some kick boxing lessons and have dynamic fights with your partner with precise limits.

This creates an excellent release of energy and it is constructive.

You have an excess of aggression?

Channel it in another way.

This truly works. Simply release your energy in that way.

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We Systematically Argue Without Reason — How to Fix This?

The truth is that there is always a reason.

Arguments are conflicts between two mind sets or two energy realities.

You argue because you don’t get your needs met.

Sometimes, the needs have nothing to do with your relationship.

They can be an ongoing frustration about any aspect of your life.

When you argue, you are in fighting or conquering mode.

You want to get something that you are not getting.

You want to feel a greater sense of control.

If this happens both ways, you clash because your two minds do not seem to meet.

The question is: How to fix this?

The best is dialogue.

You want to find out exactly what is splitting you apart.

Here I what you can say when you feel tension rising between you and your partner: “Look, when we argue, we both loose. I am tired of this. We are both victims of some form of a dynamism I don’t like. On my side I want this to shift. I want the arguments to stop. This is not fun and is tearing us apart. Do you feel the same?” If he says “Yes!” then you are on the same boat. You face a relationship challenge and you are ready to do whatever it takes to fix this.

Taking the decision that this has been enough and you want your relationship back is the best place to start.

What do you do next?

You identify all sources of frustration in both of your lives right now.

You write them down and describe them precisely.

Next step, you identify the sources of frustration which are directly linked with the way you relate to each other and what happens in your relationship.

You will notice that many sources of tension can be related with profession, business or career, financial pressure, lack of material security.

Another common source of tension is lack of excitement for your life’s targets.

There are dozens of pressures pushing your life and your relationship right now.

The next quality you want to manifest in your couple is complicity.

What creates harmony and empowers your couple are common vision and synchronicity.

If you clash on key aspects of your relationship’s base, for instance financial choices, children education, life vision, cultural preferences, etc, you tend to create a gap between the two of you.

A mature relationship definitely allows space for differences of opinion but you need to accept these differences and embrace them rather than trying to change your partner’s mind.

When there is total respect and tolerance, you immensely drop the pressure you put on each other and accept your partner exactly the way they are.

What creates conflicts is pressure, control, desire to make him or her change, etc.

The moment you set each other’s free and drop your expectations, you enter into a new territory of mutual freedom. You set each other’s free and simply accept the differences of views, opinions and attitudes as a part of your relationship’s landscape.

The moment you stop trying to change your partner, at least 80% of the pressure and arguments drop straight away.

This is a fundamental mind shift.

The moment you make that shift you offer total respect for who your partner is.

In a way, it is a condition less love. You say: “I know we disagree on some points and I believe that I love you even with what I call your imperfections. This is what makes you unique.” “I have total respect for you and who you are” “You are in charge of your life and I respect that.”

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Should You Give Them Another Chance If They Cheat?

Imagine that you are in a relationship. Your partner cheats one time or many times. You decide to break up. They come back to you and begs to give them another chance. Should you go with it? When they cheat, you are back to the starting point: noncommitted, non-exclusive. If you are already married with children and house it’s obviously different than if you are simply in a committed relationship. The first step is to test. Find out if they truly mean what they say. If they had the opportunity to reconnect with an ex or have a one night stand with a casual date, would they truly “reject” it. Dare to face the facts. Cheating and infidelity are a wake up call. It tells you that something is missing or incomplete. Jumping back in your relationship without learning from it could be a mistake, because you will usually end up reproducing the same behavior patterns. The goal is first to find out what happened and why it happened. Get real answers and dare to face the facts, no matter what they are. Denial does not work. Playing “blind” is not an option either. You want to unveil the real underlying dynamics of your relationship and if you want to give it another chance, shift key dynamics, attitudes and the way you relate to each other. This is essential! Having your partner begging you on your front door is usually not enough. It does not shift anything. It sends a healthy message of regret but does not prevent this type of situation from happening again in the future. There are basically four roads you can take:

Total and absolute break up – 0% contact
Semi break up – You keep interacting and sometimes even have sex but the committed relationship is over.
Open relationship – You accept the idea of sexual openness and basically go for an open relationship. This works both ways.
Fix your relationship – You fix whatever is missing in your marriage or relationship. You dare to ask each other key questions and use this experience as a way of empowering the complicity between the two of you.

If you take him back, it usually means that you go for the last option.

It takes real work, understanding and behavior changes to go for this option successfully. Doing what it takes means investing at least 3 months of your time to fix key relationship issues.

You get professional help with a coach or therapist.

You dig in your relationship’s foundation and reshape the way you both stand in this.

If you make it your top priority for 1 to 3 months, I believe you can achieve incredible shifts you will remember for the rest of your life.

Now, you need a serious commitment on both sides.

This could be the most transforming experience your couple goes through.

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If You Date a Girl With Kids, Her Kids Are Hers, Not Yours!

These kids are not yours, they are hers… And it will stay that way forever.

What does that mean?

That their biological dad stays their dad.

You have less power than the biological parents in the equation.

And it’s essential you don’t try to fight that because it’s a lost cause.

You have no legal power and if sensitive decisions need to be taken concerning these kids, you might be consulted but you will notice that you are NOT the one making the decisions here.

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If She Has Kids, Don’t Criticize Her Parenting Skills

That’s a big risk and I see partners doing that a lot.

They tend to start fights over parenting issues.

They want to influence their partner’s behavior and the way they treat their kids!!

BIG NO NO!

It doesn’t work!!!

Why? Because she is in charge of that.

Instead of criticizing or challenging her when you see something she could do differently, give her positive feed back when you see stuff she does right: “Hey! I really liked the way you talked to your son yesterday! Spot on” “You have such a refreshing connection with them… Nice to watch” Etc.

Do that a lot!

It’s super validating and energizing when your partner recognizes your parenting skills.

If she has kids, don’t compete with them for attention Her kids come first! You have to get used to it! And this will most likely never change!

Why? Because her kids are hers for life!

A partner or lover could come and go but kids stay!!!

So, if you see her giving her children more time or attention than she gives to you, relax and let her see that you are 100% cool with that.

Don’t fight it! It’s a lost cause!

She is biologically programmed to take care of her kids first.

Don’t ever be jealous or upset about that one ok?

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Conclusion

I hope you enjoyed this material!

Feed back? Questions? Success stories?

Email me at francisco@vitalcoaching.com For coaching: https://vitalcoaching.com/coaching.htm For more: https://vitalcoaching.com To your power!

Francisco Bujan

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About the author

Shiva Rajaya

Tantrika / Life coach / Activator of new evolutionary codes for the planet and humankind