Structure is not a limitation.
Structure is what makes safety possible. And safety is what makes honesty possible.
Agree on these nine guidelines before you begin. Not during. Before.
1. No Physical Contact
During the session — no touching each other’s bodies.
Physical contact during conflict can escalate or confuse. Keep the bodies separate.
2. Pause Or Stop Is Sacred — No Exceptions
If either person calls “pause” or “stop” — everything stops immediately.
The pause is the safety valve. It only works if both people respect it completely.
3. No Self-Harm
No hitting walls. No throwing objects. No self-destructive gestures.
This is about keeping the space safe for both people — including yourself.
4. No Insults
Hard feelings are welcome. Personal attacks are not.
“I feel hurt when…” is allowed. “You’re such a…” is not.
5. No Exit Threats
No “I’m leaving you.” No “I’m moving out.” No “This relationship is over.”
These are weapons. Leave them outside the container.
6. Timed Turns — 5 Minutes Each, No Interruptions
One person speaks for 5 minutes. The other listens completely. Then you switch.
Most people have never had 5 uninterrupted minutes to say what they actually feel. This gives them that.
7. Session Timer — 30 Minutes Maximum
The whole session ends at 30 minutes. No matter what.
This removes the dread of endless conflict. Both people can commit fully — because they know it ends.
8. Nobody Leaves The Space
Both people stay present for the full session. No walking out. No leaving the room.
Presence is the foundation of everything that happens in the container.
9. Close With Release
At the end — move the energy together. Breathe. Walk. Shake. Do something physical that marks the end.
The fight happened. Now the body needs to know it’s over.
The Container Is Not A Limitation
These guidelines are not a cage.
They are the structure that makes real conversation possible.
Without them — the fight goes wherever fear and reactivity take it. With them — it goes somewhere real.
