SIX WORDS. SIX TOOLS. ONE SYSTEM
Most couples have one move: push harder or shut down.
Mastery means having six different moves — and knowing which one to use.
Each tool fixes a different problem. Using the wrong one makes things worse.
DE-ESCALATION LOWERS THE HEAT
This is for when things are getting too hot, too fast.
- Slow The Pace — “Let’s slow down for a second.”
- Lower The Volume — Speak quieter on purpose — it changes the room.
- Name The Heat — “This is getting intense — I want to bring it down.”
De-escalation doesn’t solve anything. It just stops things from getting worse.
DISARMING REMOVES THE WEAPON
This is for when someone’s defenses are up — anger, mocking, sarcasm, shutdown.
- Drop Your Guard First — Soften your own tone before asking them to.
- Name What You See — “I notice you’re pulling away — I’m not here to attack.”
- Offer Safety — “You don’t need to defend right now. I’m not the enemy.”
Disarming isn’t about winning. It’s about making the other person feel safe enough to stop fighting.
RESOLUTION SOLVES THE ACTUAL ISSUE
This is for when you’re ready to actually fix the problem.
- Name The Real Issue — “I think this is really about trust, not the dishes.”
- Find The Need — “What do you actually need here?”
- Build An Agreement — “Can we agree on what happens next time?”
Resolution is the finish line — but you can’t get there if the fire is still burning.
REPAIR HEALS WHAT THE FIGHT BROKE
This is for after the fight — when words landed hard and trust took a hit.
- Own Your Part — “I said something I regret. I’m sorry.”
- Check The Impact — “How are you feeling now, after everything?”
- Reconnect On Purpose — A hug, a touch, a moment of closeness.
Resolution fixes the problem. Repair fixes the relationship.
CURATION DESIGNS THE CONTAINER
This is for fights you choose to have — on purpose, not by accident.
- Pick The Time — “Can we talk about this Sunday evening?”
- Set The Frame — “I want to understand your side fully tonight.”
- Agree On Rules — “Let’s both agree to stay curious, not defensive.”
Curation turns a fight into a structured conversation — before it even starts.
DISENGAGEMENT IS STEPPING OUT — ON PURPOSE
This is for when nothing productive can happen right now.
- Name The Exit — “I need to step away for a bit.”
- Give A Return Time — “I’ll come back in 30 minutes.”
- Leave Without Slamming — Walk away calm, not cold.
Disengagement isn’t giving up. It’s choosing not to make things worse.
THE ORDER MATTERS
You can’t repair before you de-escalate. You can’t resolve before you disarm.
- De-Escalation — Bring the heat down.
- Disarming — Make it safe to stop defending.
- Resolution — Solve the actual issue.
- Repair — Heal what got broken.
- Curation — Design the next conversation on purpose.
- Disengagement — Step away when nothing else will work.
USING THE WRONG TOOL BACKFIRES
- Resolution Too Early — Trying to “solve it” while someone’s still flooded just restarts the fire.
- Repair Without De-Escalation — Saying “sorry” while still tense feels fake.
- Disengagement As A Weapon — Walking away to punish, not to cool down, damages trust.
The tool isn’t the problem. Using it at the wrong time is.
LEARN ALL SIX
Most people are great at one of these and terrible at the rest.
The couples who thrive use all six — on purpose, in the right order, every time.
Pick one you’re weakest at. Practice it this week.
