Both of you lived through that fight.
Both of you have a version of what happened. Both versions are real. Both need to be heard.
Being heard changes everything.
Tell The Truth Without Interruption
This is the describe step. And the rules are simple but powerful.
Each person gets 5 minutes to describe their experience of the fight.
While one person speaks — the other person does not fix, defend, or interrupt. They just listen.
No fixing. No defending. No interrupting. Just truth.
Why Interruption Kills Repair
The moment you interrupt — the other person stops feeling heard.
And the moment they stop feeling heard — they go back into protection mode. Defense rises. Walls go up. Repair stops.
Let them finish. Every time. Completely.
What To Say In Your 5 Minutes
- What Happened — Describe what you experienced. Stick to your own experience, not accusations.
- What You Felt — Name the emotions. Not the story — the actual feelings underneath.
- What You Needed — What were you actually needing in that moment that you didn’t get?
- What You Want — What do you need to feel heard, safe, and connected again?
Listen To Understand. Not To Respond.
While your partner speaks — your only job is to understand.
Not to build your counterargument. Not to wait for the part you disagree with. Not to plan what you’ll say next.
Just understand. Being heard changes everything.
