How to deal with a toxic friend
My husband and I have this friend who we feel is using us.
His cars have been reaped, his dog almost died and he took in his delinquent nephew, all of which we are doing most of the work for him. I got mad at him and told him we would no longer take on his responsibilities, but he talked to my husband and my husband said he really needs us.
I have caught him trying to lie to us on more than three occasions. The only thing he has done for us is rush the remodeling of his house, which we are living in, so we can be more comfortable… We have paid well worth his time and money for the remodeling.
His daughters are spoiled rotten and he tries to use them against me to get me to take them places and do things for his family. We have enough problems of our own being two full-time students in college and work full-time jobs and care for our 11 pets. I don’t know how to make him leave us alone and just let us be with out moving out, but even then he will still be working with my husband, who feels the same way I do to, but doesn’t know what to do either.
Our friend is too defensive and childish to talk to. there has to be a way to make him realize he has to take control of his problems and fix them himself. If you have any advise I would sure appreciate it.
It is your right to protect your house, personal space and family. You have not only the power to do it. You have as well the right to do it.
The challenge with toxic friends is to realize that what is happening has nothing to do with friendship. It is a battle for energy and power in the disguise of a friendship.
I have have the feeling that you don’t owe that person anything. The fact that he does work with your husband does not give him the right to drain your personal space, actions, etc.
The most important thing to realize is that you and your husband have the right to use your power simply not to let him in.
If he comes visiting at unexpected moments simply be firm: “Now is not a good time…”. Even if he insists, keep the line.
When you want to shift a pattern like this one, you need to repeat the message over and over again until it goes through. He won’t like it, might get angry, etc.
Again, it is not about friendship. It is a battle for power. It’s his power against your power. If he comes in, he wins.
Simply be firm and repeat your message. It might take a week or even longer. Be ready for his anger or other strategies but stay focused. Your number 1 priority is to protect your family space. Don’t let anyone but your partner and yourself be in control of what happens in your house.
If it’s therapy he needs, there are professionals for that. Your partner is not responsible for someone else’s well being. Don’t take responsibility for someone else’s life. This creates an immense load of extra stress.
Simply dare to use your power, stand there and don’t bend
Good luck and stay in touch