By Francisco Bujan — vitalcoaching.com
Table of Contents
Create a Forum Space
. Get the skills to develop harmonious communication with your partner.
Develop new fighting skills. Fighting is fun and healthy.
There are ways to “fight clean” which are empowering for the couple. Fighting is positive defense and attack mechanism.
Fight clean!
You probably got it by now: This book is battle strategy.
It says: Keep using your fighting power but use it to defend your relationship’s territory.
You and your partner are together on that.
Your relationship is under attack.
This is why you fight.
This is about gaining new dialogue and fighting skills to face this challenge.
There is nothing wrong with fighting every now and then.
The need to fight is a natural human instinct.
However, when you discover that your relationship is being destroyed by it, it is time to shift some key behaviors.
Develop a new mind and emotional set!
This is what this book is about.
It will give you key strategies to win this battle.
This is about you! It is about your relationship!
Do whatever it takes to break through and bring back harmony.
Your couple is worth it!
Part 2 — Best Strategies to Stop Fights
A fight is a battle.
If you want to solve or effectively deal with fights, you need effective strategies.
Now, a strategy is not a formula you apply without thinking.
You need to use another tool: Your instincts and common sense.
These are various tools.
Use them wisely and trust your instincts.
These skills are already in you, in your genes. All you have to do is bring them to the surface and actively manifest them in your relationship.
Try and experiment!
It takes some focus and dedication to integrate new skills in your relationship.
Love!
Love is a key direct solution to relationship fights. When you fight, you are in the territory of power dynamics. Extra love and respect are the core qualities you need to manifest in your relationship when fights go out of hand. The next question is:
- “How do you increase the level of love in your relationship?” “Is love a quality or substance you can wake up and consciously manifest in what you share with your partner?”
The answer to the last question is “yes”! Love, harmony and respect are qualities you can consciously invite and wake up in your relationship. Take this simple example: The moment you buy a bunch of roses for your wife, what do you feel is the impact on her mind? What do you think it makes her feel? Suppose you are a man. You arrive home after a day of work. Here are two example of what you can say:
- First option: “I thought you were picking up the kids from school” Second option: “Here is a bunch of roses for you. I love you!”
Which one of these two do you think she wants to hear?
Which one of these two is inviting more love and harmony in your relationship?
The first option says something like: “You have duties. I have been working the whole day. Why don’t you do your part?” The second option says something like: “I have an immense respect for you and I love what we share.
There might be some practical details we need to work on but these are irrelevant compared with the pleasure of sharing every day with you” What is the conclusion of all this?
You are the architect of your relationship!
Love, harmony and mutual respect are qualities you can wake up and invite consciously in your relationship.
Love needs to be nurtured.
It is like a secret garden which needs to be watered with good care.
Fighting Skills
Part of what keeps you in the fighting cycle is that either you or your partner feel hopeless. You want to express your power but don’t know where to start or how to do it. The result? Fights become extremely draining. You build up resentment and enter into a tension build up with your partner. Fights are healthy and okay in relationships. You can’t avoid having areas where you might disagree:
- Holiday destination
- Education of your kids
- Extra marital connections and friendships
- Life choices
- Sex and intimacy
- Etc.
There are dozens of areas in relationships which can trigger conflict and difference of opinion.
In fact, it is more than a difference of opinion. It is a difference of life vision and plan.
You are two architects and you are fighting over the key points of your relationship.
Some of these issues are important.
The goal here is to shift the fighting rules and develop new fighting skills.
Fights can be fun and immensely constructive depending on how you look at them.
They can be an occasion to grow together and unveil a third option which is even better than the ones you cam up with at first.
You can fight and be in tune with each other.
You can fight while building up relationship synergy.
A fight is the result of competition.
Now, some competition is always healthy.
When two minds and vision compete, it forces them to look deeper and perform better.
Your present limits are not your real limits.
Competition forces you to look deeper and really test your core values, life style, beliefs, actions and attitudes.
It is a positive evolution.
You might strengthen you believe in.
You might shift some opinions.
The moment you see the constructive aspect of conflicts, you look at relationship fights in a different way.
You empower your fights and make sure that they do take you somewhere.
Fighting can as well be a way of releasing tension and building up power in your relationship.
It is like a symbolical “kick boxing session” in which you unload extra accumulated tensions.
You do this with awareness.
Use your husband as a punching ball every now and then (☺).
This might be the perfect tension release you are looking for.
Fight clean!
Design rules.
Talk about it with your partner and find out what is okay and what is not.
You don’t want anyone to get hurt.
Extra Power and Confidence
When you fight, you express your power. Fighting is your best shot at expressing what you want. The reason you fight is because it is the only alternative you see to express what you want. Fighting is an emotional reflex. Now, when you have extra power, confidence and stronger emotional foundation fighting might not even be needed any more. Imagine your life as a territory. When someone invades this territory, you fight back to defend it. Now, imagine creating a fence around this territory. The fence will play the protective role and you will be able to give your sword a good rest, right? Suppose you are a woman and your boyfriend systematically challenges you when you come back home. It can be anything: jealousy issues, accumulated tensions, overspending, etc. Suppose for instance that you did spend 200$ on a piece of furniture he sees as useless. He attacks you on that. You fight. Now, imagine that you are extra confident and you know you did the right thing. You’ll simply answer something like: “I won’t fight over this. It used my own money and I know I did the right thing. Now, I had a long day at work and this evening I want to relax and hold you in my arms. Do you feel we are worth it?” This is a clear statement. You have protective fences of power and inner confidence which protect your personal space and actions. He can’t reach you! You are invincible! ☺ There are a few elements which can immensely empower the way you stand in your relationship:
- Some financial autonomy.
- Your own business, work or successful career.
- A strong circle of friends and connections.
- Satisfaction with the place you live in.
- Good health and high energy.
- Sexual satisfaction.
- Life vision, goals and exciting perspectives.
- Free time.
- Etc.
These are about personal fulfillment and life power in your life.
If there is an important area in your life that you don’t really “own”, it can create a big power gap.
The fights and struggle you face with your partner can be the reflection of this gap.
You might for instance feel frustrated with your career and project this on your partner and relationship.
Can you see how this works?
Extra power and satisfaction give you the feeling of “ownership” over your life.
If you see an essential aspect of your life which is not fulfilled, do something about it.
This will ease the tensions between you and your partner.
This works both ways of course.
Sometimes you see your partner aggressing you over something insignificant. You know your relationship is fine.
He might simply be facing some heath challenges or be trapped in some tensions at work.
The best way to solve this is dialogue.
Say something like: “Look. I know we are fine and there is no reason for use o fight over something so insignificant. I can see that the real tension has to do with your colleague at work. Why don’t we talk about the real source of tension? I want to help you with that.” Extra power is a quality you want to manifest in your relationship.
Harmony with your partner is intimately dependent on how much power you have to protect the territory of your relationship.
There are three areas where your relationship can gain extra power: You Your partner Your relationship’s foundation If you discover a gap, do something about it.
Check your own life first. This is the area where you might be more likely to have the most direct impact.
Take steps to empower your own personal foundation.
Trust
Trust is another quality which immensely empowers your relationship.
Especially with jealousy issues, it is the number one solution.
Again, it is a quality you can consciously manifest and invite in your relationship.
When you say to your partner: “I trust you” you give them power.
In fact you manifest a new unifying force in your relationship.
Trust is one of the core values in relationships.
If you feel there is a gap on that level, find out why and bring this to a dialogue ground with your partner.
Be real!
Honesty!
Trust is a quality you consciously choose for in your relationship.
Shift From Fight to Dialogue
When two neighboring countries disagree, they usually sit at the negotiation table.
If you are wise, that’s what you do, right?
Dialogue and diplomacy are skills you learn and develop.
You can use these in your relationship and real life.
If you disagree on an issue, rather than attacking each other by surprise, you can actually come to a mutual agreement: “Hey, I can see that we have a different opinion on that. Why don’t we sit down and talk about this?” Of course, diplomacy has certain rules. The first rule is respect for other person’s opinions.
A relationship is not an autocratic system.
It is a partnership where two persons share power and decisions.
Next time you feel tension heating up, instantly shift the way you communicate.
Shift from fight to dialogue.
How to Establish Dialogue
You establish dialogue by thinking win-win! That’s it! You shift from win-loose model and start thinking in win-win! All the time! Your relationship is about a victory for the two of you! When you sit down and talk, you say things like:
- “How can we make this work?” “What do you feel we can do about it?” “I believe we are worth it!” etc.
All these expressions are the reflection of a mind set. It is a way of thinking. This way of thinking has one target: to win!
This is not about you or him winning. This is about your relationship winning!
When you fight, it is truly your relationship which is under attack.
You want to bring in new power to secure your relationship’s emotional foundation.
The relationship has a “spirit”. The spirit of the relationship is the binding force. When you get married, you invoke a binding force to strengthen and empower your relationship.
Dialogue works in the same way. Speech is a binding force. It is a powerful exchange which sends out one simple message: We stand in this together!
Create a forum space If dialogue does not happen in a spontaneous and instinctual way, the idea is to formalize it.
Don’t be scared! This is a good thing: You want to have a meeting with your partner.
You need to make an appointment (yes! I’m serious! :-)). Put 30 minutes aside and fix a time.
I know that this can sound artificial but it is not. It is actually the most effective way to empower your relationship. You give it direction and bring in a new quality.
Here is how to establish it: If you feel your relationship is in trouble, go to your partner and say something like: “Look, something is not working and I believe we should do something about it. We are growing apart and I don’t like that. Our relationship is worth fighting for and I want to reconnect with us.
Let’s fix a time on Thursday to talk about it. 8pm?…”
Get your partner to agree! This is about your relationship’s survival.
On the appointed day, open a bottle of red wine or other drinks.
Make it cozy (not intimate :-)). Turn off your mobile phones, make sure you won’t be disturbed and sit down.
Give each other 30 min. That’s all.
Whatever you reach after 30 min, drop it and let it go. It is okay if you did not break through. Simply drop it after 30 min no matter what.
Next week, do it again.
Here is what you can say when you start: “Look, over the last few months, I feel we have been really stressed. There is more and more tension between you and I and I would like to do whatever it takes to bring back the complicity between us. Do You feel the same? What do you think we should do?”
As you can see, this is not an attack on your partner. You talk about the relationship and finding strategies to solve the challenge.
If you respond to tensions in such a way, you’ll give each other space to express feelings and concerns.
I know this looks formal but it is by far the best approach. Believe me! This works! All you have to do is get over the apparent formality of this approach and do it. Go for it!
Design strategies together.
After 30 min, drop it and do it again the following week. Make it a weekly habit and a priority.
It takes a month to establish it and 3 months to feel like you truly own this new “communication tool”.
Why 30 minutes? Because after 30 minutes the intensity and positive energy drops. Finish on a high note when you still have lots of extra energy. Don’t stretch it.
Gather ideas, write them down. Take notes for the coming week and next meeting.
It takes time and dedication to establish new relationship skills.
Your couple is worth it! Do it!
Synergize Your Couple
Are you familiar with the term synergy? You might have heard it in a business context. Synergy is usually what you want to create in business meetings.
Synergy is the ability to come together on a common ground so that the force which is generated is greater than the sum of the individual’s energies involved.
Synergy is cooperation.
Synergy is “synchronized energy”. You are in tune. You are on the same wave length. This is the moment magic truly happens, and this is the goal of your dialogue.
Dialogue is not some form of boring one on one exchange. Actually, it is quite the opposite! Dialogue is just one way of sharing life force. When you speak, you impact on the other person’s mind with your emotions and ideas. You establish a bridge.
This bridge creates space.
There are three will powers involved in this: You, your partner and the spirit of the relationship.
What is this spirit? It is the binding force, love, common vision, the plan, the spirit which brings you together.
Your relationship’s spirit is the energy which is “around” the two of you.
The Number One Strategy to Solve Unwanted Fights
Dialogue is the number one strategy to solve unwanted fights.
You want dialogue to be a habit.
Imagine two countries in tension.
Imagine what would happen if they were simply attacking each other the moment they disagree on a topic.
What happens instead? They solve their disagreements in a diplomatic way. Dialogue! You don’t grab your weapons; you sit down and discuss the issues together. The goal is to create synergy. The goal is to create win-wins. You want everyone to be a winner in conflict situations.
To do this you need to sit down and talk. There is no way around it.
Drop It!
This is the most direct way of ending a fight: Drop it!
If you are the one who wants something you can’t get, simply try dropping it.
Suppose you want to go out on Saturday night and he wants to stay home.
The fight issue is about convincing him to do something with you, right?
You try to have some form of influence over the way he will spend his evening.
You can fight over it or your can drop it!
What do you do when you drop it?
You stop trying to influence or control your partner’s actions.
You find another alternative: “Hi Sandy, it’s me… Jim wants to stay home but I have this intense urge to party tonight. Are you in for it?” What does it take to shift your behavior?
You need to step beyond your comfort zone.
In a way, it is more challenging to go out with your friend Sandy than to simply go for the natural option: You and your partner When you see you that you fight over something you can’t control, drop it and use your energy and time in another way.
It is frustrating to conquer a territory you can have.
Your partner is the official owner of his time.
Again, he is in charge of it. All you can do is suggest and respect his choice.
Put it this way: there can be 100% reasons he wants to stay home.
It is his right to decide for himself.
Dare to Take Some Distance
If you fight too much, it can be the sign that you are saturated from each other’s presence.
Your relationship can actually be asphyxiated by being too much on top of each other.
Having time off is healthy.
Design activities and time where you are not with your partner.
Dare to take some distance and break the cycle.
This is refreshing.
You connect with new energies, reconnect with friends, focus on your career, etc.
When you fight a lot, this is a super healthy move.
Dare to take some distance and gain power on your own.
If you are too close to each other and build up tensions, you can loose track with who you are and what you want.
Emotional tensions are draining.
You want some fresh air and emotional space.
This gives you the opportunity to build back your emotional foundation.
When you are drained, there is not much you can actively do for your relationship.
Focus on yourself first.
Dare to be selfish and do what it takes to recreate a healthy power base for yourself.
How to Give Each Other Space
If you realize you want space, the challenge is actually to create that space.
When you have been living together for months or years, you get used to each other’s presence.
You create a comfort zone.
Even when you fight with your partner, your fighting is still within your “comfort zone”.
It means that you are familiar with this “emotional environment”.
Giving each other space or breaking up is something different.
You usually step into the unknown.
If you are used of going out together on Saturday night but know it always ends with a fight, it takes courage and determination to go for something different.
You can spend the evening apart and go out with your own friends for instance.
You can decide to stay at home and let your partner go out by himself.
This is the real challenge. It works to give each other space. It is healthy to spend some time apart and have time “off” in a relationship.
If something tells you it is not right, delete this idea right now.
What is not right is to spend your time fighting when you could have a fine evening on your own. Dare to do it. Dare to take distance.
You do this by taking a small step. Just one time, say something like: “I won’t go this time. Go by yourself. I prefer staying at home and calling a couple friends…” Try it out! This works and it can save your relationship.
The common belief is that people who love each other should be able to be always together. Wrong!!! 100% wrong!
The fact that you are not together one evening does not mean that you don’t love each other.
It means that you give space to your own individual integrity.
When you get into a relationship, you don’t stop existing as an individual.
Nature maintains your individual integrity.
Now, sometimes you individual identity needs to be fed. You need to reconnect with who you are when your partner is not around.
This is why you need time apart: to reconnect with yourself and to empower your own individual emotional foundation.
When you get extremely irritated by your partner, it is the sign that your own individual identity is falling apart.
Having time for yourself will give you what you need and empower your individuality again.
This is super healthy!
When you come back to each other and share time again with your partner, you know it is because you want it, not because of a simple habit.
You function better when you are strong as individuals and as a couple.
If having time apart feels really good, my advice is simple: Get more of it!
Don’t force yourself in spending time with your partner if you don’t want to.
If you want your own place, go and get it!!!
Don’t believe that you have to stay in a relationship which does not fulfill your needs.
If it’s freedom and total autonomy you want, go and get it!
It is your right! It is your life!
Dare to break up if this is where this takes you.
