By Francisco Bujan — vitalcoaching.com
Table of Contents
- Part 4 — Control Freaks: How to Deal With Them
- YOUR Life!
- Why Your Partner Decides That It’s Ok to Control You
- Profound Misunderstanding
- Relationship Boundaries
- Why Couples Rarely Discuss What’s Ok and What Is Not?
- What to Do When Your Partner Corners You
- Reassure Them
- Cheating Threat
- Not Now!
- If Your Partner Micromanages You at Home
- Dealing With a Jealous Partner
- Jealous Partner? — When to Give Up?
- Time to Leave?
Part 4 — Control Freaks: How to Deal With Them
YOUR Life!
You were born with the right for self determination! When your partner tries to dominate you, they violate one of your most basic human rights: your right to choose! You have the right to choose:
- Your thoughts, emotions, feelings and beliefs Your actions Your speech Your relationships to others Your social life Your time Your personal space Your career Your assets and belongings Your money
When your partner tries to control you, they try to control one of these.
When your partner tries to control these, they step in YOUR territory.
When you were born, you were given the right to control these various aspects of your life.
The legal system defends these rights too.
Even the Universal Declaration Of Human Rights says it: Article 18 states: “Everyone has the right to freedom of thought…”
Article 19 states: “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression…”
These articles concern your thoughts and right to speak.
And of course, you can take this one step further and generalize to all aspects of your life.
This is essential to get!
This freedom is not some weird idea that pops in your mind when you feel challenged, it is YOUR right, ok?
Anyone who tries to control you, betrays this agreement that you have with life!
Why Your Partner Decides That It’s Ok to Control You
They do that for a simple reason: because they believe that it’s ok.
Another element is that often nothing can stop them except you.
Their goal is to find security.
When they see you for instance interacting with friends they feel threaten by it because they have no control over what happens there.
You share intimacy with your partner.
You know a lot about them.
They are afraid of what you might say.
They might feel threaten by your thoughts.
They might disagree with career choices.
The point is that something goes on in the intimacy of their lives and they have little control over that.
Their efforts to dominate you are aimed at gaining back this sense of security and control over things that do influence them.
Profound Misunderstanding
There is a profound misunderstanding when you step in a relationship.
Here is the misunderstanding: When you decide to be in a relationship with someone, here is what you think: “I enter in a relationship with you but I want to keep control over who I am. I am not giving away my right to make my own choices.
I stay in charge of all aspects of my existence. Of course when a choice concerns us both, we will make decisions together…” That’s what YOU might think.
Now, here is how your partner often interprets your commitment: “Because we are in a relationship, from now on, this gives me the right to tell you who you can see or not. You are my partner! I have the right to influence or direct your thoughts. I have the right to know everything about you. We are partners. We have no right to have secrets from each other…” Your partner might not be that extreme, but you get the point!
There is a fundamental misunderstanding!!!
This misunderstanding exists because partners rarely sit down to discuss the unspoken contract of their relationship.
Relationship Boundaries
Boundaries = Limits What is ok and what is not in your relationship?
Imagine taking a job and never discussing your conditions with your boss.
This is what happens with couples.
You tend to assume that your partner understands your needs and that you both agree on relationship boundaries.
In fact, if you would check before committing, you might unveil very fundamental differences!
For instance, if you are straight, you might be ok with still having active friendships with the opposite sex, whereas your partner might not.
If you marry someone from another culture, these differences might be even more extreme!
Why Couples Rarely Discuss What’s Ok and What Is Not?
It is because they don’t know how to approach such conversation.
They are not trained to discuss relationship issues in diplomatic ways.
Most of the times, when you have differences with your partner, you argue.
This means that engaging in a serious discussion about what’s ok and what’s not often leads to a fight.
Especially if your partner is intolerant, you will avoid the topic and simply react emotionally when you feel cornered.
You also tend to wishfully believe that harmony in your couple will happen naturally.
Very often it doesn’t and you end up trapped with someone who does not respect your freedom and rights.
What to Do When Your Partner Corners You
This is the situation you might face. They have been dominating you in the past and assume that this is ok. How do you change the status quo and rebuild your freedom when you gave it away? You take small steps! If you are not used to going out separately, you can watch out for opportunities to start doing that. For instance, there might be an event at work you will be invited to. Or a good friend of yours wants you to start training with them. Or you decide to start training for a new career. If you start with small steps, it is usually easy to reclaim your freedom bit by bit. What if your partner opposes your idea? Here are some arguments you can use:
- You want me to be happy, right?
- What bothers you? Tell me more… This will be fun for me. I need that.
- I don’t remember giving you the right to tell me what to do.
- I need your support with that one.
- I will do it but I don’t want this to put distance between us.
- Etc.
If your partner is potentially violent, you have to watch out of course.
In most cases though it is just a conflict of views.
And because your choices concern YOU, you are given the right of course for self determination.
This means that life sponsors your freedom!
Again, it is your basic human right to decide for yourself.
Many men and women will hesitate in affirming their choices because they can’t even tell if what they want is ok.
I am here to reaffirm this for you!
You were born with the right for self determination and no one has the right to rob you from that freedom.
If they do, they abuse their power and betray a very basic human agreement.
So, I am here to confirm this!
You are free!
It is your right to decide for yourself!
Reassure Them
Very often, that’s all they are asking for. What they fear is not so much what you decide to do, it is what could potentially happen. Suppose that you are a woman and decide to go for a drink with a good friend. If your partner forbids you to go, here is what they think:
- She will meet a guy They will connect She will have a crush They’ll end up having sex She will leave me for him
You just mentioned a drink with a friend and what your partner sees is not a drink, it is whole other story. How do you reassure your partner? Here are some expressions that build up peace of mind in them:
- You can trust me I would never cheat on you I am committed to you It’s with you I want to be! For life!
- I love you!
- I’ll text you when I get there I’ll be back at 9 She comes to pick me up – You will meet her Why don’t you join us later?
- It’s ok? ;) You don’t have to worry
These are expressions that you can use a lot when you feel that your partner is insecure.
You need to repeat them frequently!
Your partner needs to hear that a few times, 5 to 8 times for the message to sink in.
You can say the same thing in different ways in the same conversation.
Or you can simply repeat the exact same expression a few times.
For instance if your partner says: “I don’t really like you going to these clubs with your friends…” Simply repeat: “I love you” If they argue again, listen and say again: “I love you” You can do that a few times.
Another way of programming your partner to relax is to reassure them when there is no threat.
Suppose that you’re having a drink together in a public place filled with very attractive people.
You can say: “I am so glad we are together, I would choose you over and over again!” “You are so much smarter than most guys (or women) I see out there” “I love what we have!” In other terms, you can program them to relax.
You can train them to stay calm and give you space.
Cheating Threat
This is what people worry about a lot! Unless you are in an open relationship, cheating is not ok! To reassure your partner in these cases, you can say:
- I would never cheat on you You can relax! You are the best lover I ever had It’s with you I want to be
When you are in public with your partner, you can let them see that it’s to them you give your attention. Suppose you are a guy and your girlfriend is emotionally edgy. You can flirt with her in front of others. If a woman approaches you both, instead of giving that woman flirty looks, you can consciously give attention to your partner. If you demonstrate affection to your partner in public it shows that you are not hiding your relationship and are proud of what you share. Here is another example: Again, party setting. You are a woman and this man approaches you. You can introduce your partner by saying: “We are in love, engaged and getting married this spring! We have such a fantastic relationship!” That’s again another very demonstrative way to say that you are not available. Your partner would be touched by such demonstration. Here are other ways to reassure your partner:
- If you want to check my text messages, I am ok with it I can call you around 10 What bothers you? Tell me I love your body! You really know how to please me
You see that when you want to reassure a partner, there are simple ways to do just that.
It can take away their fears instantly.
These type of behaviours and attitudes are simple ways to build up complicity in your couple.
By the way, no need to be apologetic.
When you say “I love you” or “I trust you” to your partner, you can do this from a position of power and confidence.
Not Now!
This is a simple way to stop your partner when they are about to unload their insecurities on you.
It’s 7 am!
You are about to take off to work.
You are in a hurry and this is the moment your partner chooses to start a fight?
No way!
Here is your simple answer to that: “NOT NOW!” Tell them!
If they insist, say it again: “Not now!” If they keep coming, rephrase: “I really have no time for that now, sorry!” Take your stuff and leave!
If you want to be gentler with this, you can as well say: “Look, I am in a hurry right now. I want to hear what you have to say but timing is off… Why don’t we seat together this evening with a glass of wine. I’ll give you space to share what bothers you…” This “not now!” strategy is so simple but fantastic to set up limits!
It’s a powerful way to be firm and direct without starting a fight!
If Your Partner Micromanages You at Home
This one will require in depth education. If for instance you are a guy and your wife systematically tries to manage you with household, here is what you can do. First, have an in depth feed back session on this topic. You can sit down and ask her: “We face some tension between us concerning household, want to share with me what’s up with that? It feel like something bothers you but I am not sure… Tell me” If they start sharing, don’t interrupt them, listen! Take notes!!! Yes, write it down! Ask them follow up questions like:
- So, if I get you right, you are saying that…
- How would you rather me do this?
- Are you saying that you don’t like the way I cleaned the kitchen last time? Can you tell me exactly what was missing?
- So, you are saying that the way you do it is better?
In other terms, you clarify until you know exactly what bothers her. Here are more follow up questions. These ones can be slightly more challenging for her but they will open space:
- Are you saying that there is only one way to do this? •
If I was micromanaging you, how would that make you feel?
- Do you realize that when you speak to me that way, it kills the sex drive and the attraction I feel for you?
- Are you saying that you don’t trust me with that?
If household is a serious sensitive issue in your couple, you will benefit a lot from entering in a dialogue and open sharing space.
The goal is for her to relax and give you space to do things your own way.
No one likes being micromanaged!
Even with household, you can be creative!
You can take initiative and start doing things around the house in your own way.
Another system that works really well is the white board.
How it works?
You get your partner to write things down on a board rather than saying them to you directly.
That way, you can check her feed back or what needs to be done in your own time.
Dealing With a Jealous Partner
When your partner is over jealous and too possessive, it kills your life force and inner freedom.
In fact, it destroys not only your life. It destroys your relationship as well.
Their emotional reaction is an uncontrolled instinctual response.
Part of them justifies it.
It is part of their mind set to believe they do the right thing.
This is a battle between two will powers.
It is yours against them.
They try to control you.
They try to limit you.
Do you deserve it?
Of course not!!
If you want them to stop being jealous show them they can trust you at 100%.
If they are simply obsessively jealous without reason, this is a fight between two powers: yours and theirs.
It is battle for control.
The alternatives are always: “fight or leave”.
If you are in such situation, what you can do is truly assess the situation: You can fight for your basic rights, freedom and space.
Or You can leave if it’s a lost battle.
The way to fight is to educate them about your needs and how their jealousy makes you feel.
Couple coaching or counselling is an effective source of support as well.
If you want to work it out, the idea is to join forces and overcome the challenge together.
Don’t confront each other.
Create a win-win relationship.
You both want the same, right?
You want harmony, love and trust to prevail.
The real battle is about the couple’s victory.
Dialogue is a good place to start.
Next step: Get professional help with this challenge.
Trust, confidence and complicity are your targets.
These are the qualities you want to develop in the core of your relationship.
It is okay to miss a couple of skills when starting with a new relationship.
It is okay as long as you both want to do something about it.
Use your will power and determination to make it work.
If the situation is too draining for you and you see he won’t change, you might have no other choice but to leave.
Jealous Partner? — When to Give Up?
If your partner is obsessively jealous and possessive, the question is: Should you stay or should you go?
You have been living with a control freak for 2 years.
They make your life a hell.
They spy on you and get jealous about anything.
The problem? You do love them.
It is a battle between two forces: when is the moment to actually give up and simply leave.
Their jealousy is like an addiction.
They use their “weapons” to destroy what they care for the most.
If you already tried therapy, counselling or coaching.
If you did everything you could to communicate or help them shift their behaviour and it does not work, you might be close to reaching a saturation point.
The more you wait, the more disempowered you feel.
The best with situations like these is to listen to early warnings.
If things already went too far, it is time to seriously consider your options and not let emotional abuse ruin your life.
Defend yourself!
No one has the right to limit your existence.
If you give love to someone, it is love you should get in return.
If it is an irrational controlling response you get from them, this drains your energy and destroys your life.
How to take off if you have to? Take small steps.
Prepare yourself.
Alarm people around you.
Find out about your rights.
Speak with a lawyer.
Tell your friends and family.
In other words, get as much support as you can.
Breaking up takes courage and power.
It is always a challenge because you start a new life.
It can feel unstable for a while.
You need to rebuild a material base.
The second challenge is rebuilding your emotional and personal foundation.
This last step is about getting your full power back.
Stepping out of an abusive situation is an empowering step.
It is a claim for freedom and independence.
It is one of your most basic human rights.
You are not a victim.
The moment you bring an abusive or oppressive situation to an end, it can be a super empowering step for you!
Time to Leave?
Is your partner verbally or physically abusive?
Do they make your life miserable?
When is the right time to say “Enough!” The main challenge is to secure your exit!
You must be safe!
If you want to leave and know that your partner can be violent, you must seek help.
You don’t need to fight that alone.
You must check with friends, family, police, attorney or support organisation.
If there is no threat, then it’s really up to you.
There are many steps you can take before leaving.
Dialogue, open sharing therapy or coaching are all options I would consider, especially if you have kids together or still deeply love your partner.
