MASTERING MODERN TANTRIC WISDOM: A DIALOGUE ON MASCULINITY
EMBRACING VULNERABILITY IN MASCULINITY
Question: “I’ve always been told to be strong and in control, but I feel disconnected from my emotions and struggle to express them. How can I embrace the more vulnerable aspects of my masculine nature without feeling weak?”
Answer: Accessing your feelings is your superpower. It is not a weakness. When you access your feelings, it allows you to reveal to yourself, and first to the world, aspects of yourself that you would not see otherwise. Imagine inside of you a vast range of emotions and possible expressions, with half of that hidden from you.
Now imagine how much more powerful you are when you can bring to the surface everything that is alive inside of you. So accessing your feelings, you can reframe that. It is not a weakness. It is a superpower. If I am relating to you from man to man, I want to be in front of somebody who can access these deeper parts of himself and reveal that to the surface.
There are techniques, ways of accessing that. But I want to tell you, if you are out there in the world, accessing these deeper parts of yourself, you are going to be way, way more powerful. The second thing that is important is that you don’t have to reveal all that with everybody all the time. Accessing your feelings and being in a vulnerable space is something you can express here and there in very specific situations.
But that doesn’t mean that you are going to be completely transparent with everybody about everything happening inside of you. You have to be selective and also realize a lot of this journey, a lot of this journey of your inner feelings is a private journey, something you can keep for yourself.
BALANCING DOMINANCE AND PASSIVITY
Question: “I often find myself oscillating between being overly dominant and then overly passive in my relationships. How can I find a balance and embody a more mature, integrated form of masculinity?”
Answer: The simple answer to your question is to discover and be attuned to your partner and to what is alive in the relationship, and to navigate with flexibility. This means being able to access both the receptive/passive aspect and the directive/dominant role.
Practice and master both states. The idea is to have the flexibility to navigate these states according to what is needed in each moment.
INTEGRATING MASCULINE ARCHETYPES
Question: “I’m exploring various masculine archetypes, trying to understand myself better. But I’m overwhelmed. How can I integrate these archetypes into my life without losing my sense of self?”
Answer: The field of archetypes is absolutely fascinating. Let me give you a model with seven archetypes: the king, lover, mystic, warrior, creator, fool, and child. Rather than trying to fit into one of these archetypes by forcing yourself into it, I encourage you to navigate life freely and find a place of resonance where you are actually expressing yourself with the most powerful and beautiful, mature expression of yourself.
Where are you in resonance with yourself the deepest? It might be at work, in your creative work, if you are an artist or a musician, that might be the area where you find the resonance and the sense of unity or unification with yourself. So I encourage you to really explore those archetypes intuitively.
Once you see the places where you’re resonating really strong, then go back to this archetype model and identify which ones you are expressing the best. That’s one way of approaching it. Another way is to come to a men’s circle. We have gatherings weekly here. If you’re not in my location, go to wherever you are around the world and find some circles where those archetypes are being practiced.
This is going to give you a laboratory of experimentation where you can discover aspects of yourself that might be hidden and potential superpowers or aspects of your being that might not have been fully expressed. Once you start bringing all that to the surface, you will discover a new range of possibilities that you might not have accessed in the past.
RECOGNIZING PERSONAL GROWTH
Question: “In my journey of personal growth, I sometimes feel like I’m not making progress. How can I stay motivated and recognize my own development in becoming a more mature, conscious man?”
Answer: To tackle the feeling of not making progress, you can practice something very simple. Take a white page and every day, every morning, for instance, summarize the gains or the gratitude you have for what happened the day before. It means giving yourself some validation by writing down what you have achieved or what has been emerging to the surface.
Sometimes what emerges is not necessarily an action or something tangible. It might be more like a realization, a state of being, a state of joy, or it might be a connection with another human being. What I invite you to do is, instead of forgetting about what happened the day before or the weeks before, take a moment to really summarize. Give me five things that are powerful or that you’re grateful for about what happened the day before. Validate them.
Another question you can ask yourself is, what are you celebrating right now over what happened over the last week? Recovering those memories will really help you anchor the gratitude and the sense of progress you are making.
For example, if I wake up this morning, and yesterday I had a men’s circle, I’m going to write down ‘successful men’s circle.’ I went to training, I had a dance, I had some really powerful insights about my work. I’m going to write these down with detail so that I can really track back the progress that I’m making and also document my progress.
COMMUNICATING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIPS
Question: “I often struggle with expressing my needs in relationships without feeling selfish. How can I communicate my needs while still being considerate of my partner?”
Answer: Think about the need that might be in your field right now. You can voice it or write it on a piece of paper. Next, with that specific need, ask yourself, is this a mature need or an immature need? Is it something that, by expressing it, I reveal to my partner the deeper aspects of our relationship that can come to the surface, or am I asking her to take care of some wounding or unsolved issue inside myself? Is this something that I should take care of by myself, or is this something that is going to enhance the power of our relationship?
Remember that your partner is not your therapist. She’s not your coach. She’s your lover. She’s somebody that you want to partner with. So, ask yourself this very simple question. Is that need something that is going to take our relationship to the next level, add more pleasure, more power, more connection, more fun, more sexual energy? Is this something that is going to expand us, or is it going to take us into a whirlpool of energy, of potential shadow or processing exploration that is going to limit our connection, eventually make us resentful or impact negatively our relationship?
So, ask yourself, when you have a need rising to the surface, is it mature or immature? Is it just for you, or does it benefit both of you and expand your couple?
DEFINING MASCULINITY IN TODAY’S WORLD
Question: “I sometimes feel lost in understanding what it truly means to be a man in today’s world. How can I find clarity in my masculine identity amidst so many conflicting messages?”
Answer: Different roles in life require different qualities. For instance, if I’m in partnership with a woman, I’m going to take sometimes a more dominant, masculine role and keep my feminine nature a bit aside. I’ll be more directive, clear, intentional in my communication to create safety for her and to be a protective force. This will be different from when I’m by myself, where other aspects of myself come to the surface, like being playful or allowing my inner child to emerge.
Notice that different roles in life require a slightly different set of qualities. All of this needs to be natural, of course, and the goal is to establish connection. In romantic relationships, I want to show up for my partner in a way that is a match to what she needs, to really create chemistry and connection.
Another important aspect is to engage in soul-searching to feel our masculine power. For instance, I use specific mantras to activate various masculine archetypes. This allows me to master these vibrations or frequencies inside of me. Remember, you are your own creator. You don’t have to abide by or fit into somebody else’s model. Define masculinity in your own way.
