Full Table of Contents
- Vital Fights — The Philosophy
- Fightgasms — The Bliss Inside the Battle
- The Shadow Anatomy of Fights
- Fight Tactics — How to Fight Well
- Escalation, De-Escalation and the Exit
- The Tantric Dimension of Fights
- Pain, Hangover and Recovery
- Communication and Fight Speech
- How You Speak in a Fight Matters as Much as What You Say
- Getting Offended — Focus on What Really Matters
- The Best Answer When Someone Criticizes You
- I Don’t Give You Permission to Judge Me
- For Some People Debating Is Like a Sport
- Sharing Without Interrupting
- Emotional Violence as Communication — The Fine Line
1. Vital Fights — The Philosophy
- Fights Are Not the Enemy
- People Fight to Feel Alive
- The Play Between Polar Opposites
- Yudha Yama — The Ancient Code for Fight Mastery
- What Vital Fights Actually Is
- The Bigger Picture
Especially in a lovers’ context, we tend to think that tantra is all about sweetness, love and harmony.
It’s not.
The light aspects of relating are only a fraction of what’s going on.
The other side is the shadows — anger blasts, frustrations, triggers and so much more.
The reason this is way less talked about is because high intensity and rage-like emotions feel uncomfortable and unsafe.
But we can’t separate from these forces.
We must embrace them and find expression channels that guide intensity into expansive flow.
Vital Fights is one core aspect of what I teach. It’s the idea of engaging intensity in a conscious way. Instead of being dominated by emotions you don’t control, you allow shadow waves to become a source of fire that moves you forward.
1.1 Fights Are Not the Enemy
The core idea is simple: fights are not bad by themselves.
You don’t have to suppress them.
You just need to use conflicting situations in ways that are wiser than what we tend to do.
A fight is the battle between two energy sources. In arguments it’s the conflict of ideas. If you look behind the surface, arguments are just clashes of energies interacting in frictional ways. These energies try to dominate or influence each other.
Fights can have various levels of intensity. They can be physical, vocal or energetic. They can be between individuals, groups or nations.
And they come in many forms:
Combat. Argument. Disagreement. Battle. Conflict. Clash. Blame game. Confrontation. Provocation. Sabotage. Attack. Competition. Drama. Retaliation. Revenge. Rallying. Escalating. Antagonizing. Elbowing. Fighting dirty. Rivalizing.
All of these are expressions of the same underlying force — two energy fields in friction.
1.2 People Fight to Feel Alive
Here’s what nobody tells you.
Sometimes people fight not because something is wrong — but because they need energy, freedom, space and aliveness.
When life feels flat, when the relationship feels too safe, when the nervous system is understimulated — the body will find a way to generate charge. And conflict is one of the most efficient charge generators available.
This is not a character flaw. It is a biological reality.
The question is not whether these impulses exist. They do. The question is what you do with them.
Do you let them run unconsciously — creating damage, resentment and disconnection? Or do you channel them consciously into something that builds rather than destroys?
1.3 The Play Between Polar Opposites
Two people in a relationship are two distinct energy sources.
They don’t always move in the same direction. They don’t always want the same thing at the same time. They have different rhythms, different intensities, different shadow fields.
This is not a problem. This is polarity.
And polarity generates electricity.
The friction between two people is not a sign that they are incompatible. It is a sign that they are both alive — and that the field between them has real charge.
The goal is not to eliminate the friction. The goal is to learn how to work with it — to turn the natural tension between two poles into a source of creativity, connection and aliveness rather than a source of damage.
1.4 Yudha Yama — The Ancient Code for Fight Mastery
In the Vital Tantra system, what I call Vital Fights is rooted in an ancient concept: Yudha Yama — the mastery of conflict as a life force practice.
The key message is this: as human beings — and as couples — we need to figure out the codes to solve, harmonize, and channel conflict in wise, clear and powerful ways.
Sometimes activating and sustaining a fight can be a perfectly valid energy-building technique.
Think about waking up in the morning, feeling a bit triggered by your partner and engaging in a wild, playful pillow fight. It works. It gets energy moving. It releases tension. And it can lead to great connection — and great make-up energy — after.
Softer variations include teasing and challenging. Fight games. Simulations. Role-play. Physical expression with clear boundaries.
The key is conscious engagement — not unconscious explosion.
1.5 What Vital Fights Actually Is
Vital Fights is not about losing control.
It’s about taking control of a force that would otherwise control you.
To do this, you must first embrace what’s real — come down from the abstract clouds and get real. That means wild, raw and honest.
You don’t have to sugar-coat things or pretend you are just a happy shell.
Your power is in the flow — and that flow can lead you to intensity.
The idea is to create safe containers where you can unleash core shadow aspects without causing damage.
Here are the basic parameters for a Vital Fights session:
- Use a timer. Give the intensity a beginning and an end.
- No physical contact, punching or any form of physical abuse.
- Don’t hurt yourself or break anything in the space.
- Keep volume levels respectful of your environment.
- Agree on pause and stop signals — clear words or gestures that allow either person to step out immediately.
Originally, when I engaged in Vital Fights practices with a partner, we would simulate the experience. There was no existing shadow charge to build upon, so we would use verbal triggers to bring each other to react. If someone keeps pushing your buttons, eventually the charge kicks in and the energy starts flowing.
More recently, real triggers have been arising before sessions — and we have been using the Vital Fights container to release, express, voice and process those shadows consciously.
The interesting part is that shadows will emerge no matter what. You might have a fight with a partner anyway. So why not use those already-existing impulses to expand your awareness — and your couple’s energetic range?
1.6 The Bigger Picture
Vital Fights is one aspect of a much larger practice of emotional and energetic mastery.
It is not for everyone. You don’t need to practice Vital Fights to have a good relationship. Most of you will find that simply understanding the philosophy — that conflict is energy, that energy can be channeled, that intensity is not the enemy — is enough to shift the way you relate to fights entirely.
But for those who are called to explore the full spectrum — from the softest love to the wildest fire — this is the map.
The friction between two people is not a sign that something is broken.
It is a sign that something is alive.
Your job is to learn how to work with that aliveness — not against it.
2. Fightgasms — The Bliss Inside the Battle
- Fighting Creates Energy
- The Fightgasm — What It Actually Is
- The Energygasm — Emotional Violence as Energy
- The Fight Circle — How the Energy Moves
- Make-Up Sex — The Biochemistry of the Aftermath
- This Is Not for Everyone
- The Bigger Invitation
In couples, that’s probably one of the most challenging experiences you can face in life.
Fights. Arguments. Emotional storms.
The reason they are usually distressing is simple: the fact that there is a fight conflicts with the romantic vision you have for your relationship.
You expect love. You get anger, rage and emotional intensity.
As a couple, it’s like being hit by a hurricane and having to learn how to play with those energies in real time.
But here’s the question nobody asks.
Have you ever been in the middle of a storm and felt this exhilaration take over your whole being?
That is an energygasm.
And it is real.
2.1 Fighting Creates Energy
Most people see a fight as a loss. Something to survive, recover from, and move past as quickly as possible.
But beneath that instinct is a truth most people never access.
Fighting creates energy.
When two people clash, they generate charge. Cortisol spikes. Adrenaline floods the body. The heart rate rises. The nervous system goes fully online.
This is not a malfunction. This is power.
The question is not whether the energy is there. It always is. The question is what you do with it.
Do you let it run you — leaving damage, resentment, and disconnection in its wake? Or do you learn to harness it — and turn the charge into something expansive?
Most couples waste the energy of a fight. They let it burn through them and leave nothing behind but ash.
A few learn to turn that same fire into fuel.
2.2 The Fightgasm — What It Actually Is
A Fightgasm is the bliss explosion that can happen right in the core of a fight.
It is not about the argument winning or losing. It is not about one person being right.
It is the moment when the tension between two opposing forces builds to a peak — and then something breaks open.
The forms dissolve. The separation dissolves. And what’s left is a sudden, unexpected explosion of unity.
Two sources that were fighting each other suddenly meet in creation.
The Fightgasm can be a single light spark — a moment where both people look at each other and something shifts. Or it can be this deep, juicy energetic experience that builds further and further until it breaks into full release.
It is not always sexual. It is always energetic.
And it is one of the most intense intimacy experiences available to a couple.
2.3 The Energygasm — Emotional Violence as Energy
Let’s be precise about what we’re talking about here.
This is about emotional and verbal intensity — not physical violence or abuse. Those are different categories entirely and are never part of this work.
When emotional intensity rises in a couple — when anger, frustration, and shadow energy are moving at full force — most people want to run. And in most cases, leaving the scene is the healthy response.
But there is another possibility.
What if instead of running, your response to your partner’s emotional intensity was:
- Great! Energy! — Welcome the charge instead of contracting from it.
- You are so alive. — See the intensity as life force, not as an attack.
- I can feel this. — Let it land without collapsing or retaliating.
What creates pain is not the energy itself. It’s the resistance to it.
When you stop resisting the charge and learn to receive it — it can move through you, transform you, and in certain contexts, take you to states of bliss that are on par with the most powerful experiences you’ve ever had.
This is not theory. These are real experiences.
2.4 The Fight Circle — How the Energy Moves
A fight doesn’t move in a straight line. It moves in a circle.
Tension builds. It peaks. It releases. It returns.
The circle looks like this:
- Activation — Something triggers the charge.
- Escalation — Both people push into their position. The energy intensifies.
- Peak — The charge reaches maximum intensity. This is also the moment where the Fightgasm becomes possible.
- Release — Something breaks open. The tension dissolves.
- Integration — The energy settles. The couple lands somewhere new.
The couples who understand the circle stop trying to exit at the peak. They learn to ride it.
2.5 Make-Up Sex — The Biochemistry of the Aftermath
Make-up sex is one of the most misunderstood experiences in relationships.
It’s not a guilty pleasure. It’s not a sign of dysfunction.
Make-up sex is the natural biochemical conclusion of the fight cycle.
During a fight, cortisol and adrenaline flood the system. The body is at full activation. Then repair begins. Connection returns. Touch happens.
The same charge that was driving the fight is still present in the body. When the emotional signal shifts from conflict to connection, that charge doesn’t disappear. It redirects.
It becomes arousal. It becomes desire. It becomes one of the most intense, present, alive sexual experiences two people can share — because both of them are 100% awake.
The neurochemistry that follows — oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins — creates a repair bond at the body level that no conversation alone can replicate.
The fight broke something open. The physical reunion seals it.
2.6 This Is Not for Everyone
95% of people will never access a Fightgasm. And that is completely fine.
Consciously working with fight energy as a practice — what in the Vital Tantra system is called Vital Fights — is one of the most advanced and challenging areas of emotional and energetic mastery. It requires:
- High self-awareness — in both people, not just one.
- Clear agreements — set before entering the practice, not in the middle of it.
- Clean exits — the ability to step out immediately when needed.
- Shared commitment — to the container, not just the intensity.
Think of it like martial arts. The art is not the violence. The art is the mastery of the energy behind it.
2.7 The Bigger Invitation
Every fight your couple has is an energy event.
The charge is real. The intensity is real. The aliveness it generates is real.
The question is whether you will meet it with fear and resistance — or with awareness and skill.
Couples who learn to work with the energy of conflict — consciously, safely, with full presence — access a dimension of intimacy that calmer relationships never reach.
Not because they fight more.
Because they know what a fight actually is.
It is two life forces meeting at full intensity. And in the right container, that meeting is sacred.
3. The Shadow Anatomy of Fights
- Aggressiveness — What It Really Is
- Why Conflicts Are Stressful
- Blaming Others Is Often an Inability to Take Responsibility
- Cognitive Distortion = Generalizing
- How to Respond to Blame
- Best Tactics to Tackle Attacks
- Energetic Aikido
- Back to Peace
3.1 Aggressiveness — What It Really Is
You have many variations for aggressiveness. Here are some synonyms:
Aggressing. Attacking. Disrespecting. Impertinence. Insolence. Irreverence. Rebelling. Bullying. Degrading. Torturing. Persecuting. Identity attacking. Reputation attacking. Character annihilation. Cursing. Revenge. Retaliation. Harassing. Guerilling. Insulting. Violating.
This is another shadow aspect that you might try to avoid or repress.
Aggressiveness is a conquering force that allows you to conquer new territories.
In many situations aggressiveness is not needed but you might still use it because of an uncontrolled energetic pattern that overpowers you.
If someone verbally attacks you, do you run away, listen or fight back?
In many situations like in contact sports or business, using aggressiveness might be the best tactic and highly encouraged.
Aggressiveness can be a useful weapon.
In many other life situations, the same aggressive attitude is totally inappropriate.
It all comes to mastering that weapon!
Aggressiveness is a weapon, tool and skill! The goal is to master it rather than being dominated by it.
Aggressive energy is everywhere around us. On the road, in communication patterns, in organizations, in families, in schools, in movies and so on.
If you start looking for it, you will recognize it dozens of times a day!
3.2 Why Conflicts Are Stressful
Ok, here is a piece of wisdom that can radically shift the way you see fights, conflicts and tensions in any aspect of your life!
Here it comes!
It is not the fight by itself that creates pain. It is the fact that you have no fighting vehicle to play with this energy.
If you develop shadow skills and know exactly how to master and play with friction, fights are easy and fun!
Seriously!
The reason why fights might be stressful and painful for you is because you don’t have tactics and mindsets to play with conflicting energies.
You can be in the middle of energetic battles and have fun with it!
Look at big waves in the ocean!
Some people use them to surf skillfully and surpass their limits!
Some others might be swallowed by the waves and die!
The wave is not the problem!
It is how you handle it that matters!!!
3.3 Blaming Others Is Often an Inability to Take Responsibility
Look… I agree, sometimes people around you are toxic or simply mess up.
Sometimes their intentions will just be to hurt you.
The fact that negative energy can be projected on you is obvious.
And blaming others can be totally disempowering and put you in victim mode.
The moment you take responsibility and decide to do something about it, you radically shift dynamics and often take back control.
Sometimes, toxic situations are co-created. This happens typically in relationships.
The thing is that the blame game takes you nowhere.
It gives you the feeling that a given conflict or situation has nothing to do with you.
So next time you enter in blame mode, pause, take a deep breath and say something like:
- “And here is what I am going to do about it…”
- “Here is how I contributed to this situation…”
- “Here is what I can change in my own behavior…”
3.4 Cognitive Distortion = Generalizing
Here is an example:
“My ex cheated on me – – > All men are cheaters”
“My ex cheated on me” = fact
“All men are cheaters” = interpretation = over generalization = cognitive distortion
Why do you do it?
Because it gives you a reason to blame. And blame can feel good.
Stick to the fact.
“My ex cheated!” — that is the fact.
“All men are cheaters” is not a fact. It’s a conclusion, an interpretation based on a fact.
The over-generalization is a distortion.
Why is there an urge to jump to conclusion?
Because that channels the overflowing anger, frustration and shadow energy behind these emotions. And that feels good.
But if you take that one step further, that’s what you do as well if you blame an entire race or a nation for an isolated crime. That’s the starting point to discrimination.
3.5 How to Respond to Blame
Suppose that you get a message from someone accusing you of not being present enough for them.
They tell you that you neglected them in a specific situation, that you are a bad partner or bad friend because you don’t care enough.
The typical way of expressing it would be: “You were not there for me when I needed you.”
How do you respond to that? What’s a masterful response to blame?
Here are some options:
- Ignore — Delete the message
- Listen — “What?”, “You seem offended”, “Tell me more”
- Apologize — “Sorry about that”, “I will try to do better next time”
- Justify — “I am not perfect”, “I am human”, “Sometimes I make mistakes”
- Fight back — “You did that to me too”
- Stop them — “Stop!”, “I am not playing the blame game with you”
- Check in — “You ok?”
- Agree — “True!”, “Guilty!”, “Yes, you nailed it!”
- Be grateful — “Thanks for bringing that up!”
- Give love — “Can I give you a hug?”, “I love you”
- Acknowledge — “Yes you are right”, “Yes, that’s the way it happened”
- Understand — “Yes, I can totally imagine you feel that way”
- Reframe — “What I remember is that… Not that…”
- Debate — “Here is what I remember…”, “Looks like our memory of the events don’t match”
You have many more options than you think. Mastery is choosing the right one for the right moment.
3.6 Best Tactics to Tackle Attacks
Ok, we have been checking patterns and describing the nature of shadows.
It is time to dive into specific tactics.
Imagine that you have someone exposing you to shadow attacks. They can be a boss, coworker, lover, partner, friend, husband, wife, parent, sibling, neighbor.
Here are possible tactics:
- Allow — Be passive and receptive. Feel it.
- Fight back — Attack back, retaliate
- Leave — Simply abandon the space
- Be diplomatic — Communicate cleanly, listen, understand
- Educate — Get them to understand and shift their behaviors
- Set boundaries — Tell them “Stop”, refuse to engage
- Build up energy — Go to the gym, train your mind and energy body
- Release — Burn the charge
- Calm down — Meditate
- Get support — Friends, coaching or therapy
- Laugh at it — Use sarcasm, humor to release the tension
- Be positive — Focus on the good stuff and keep enforcing that
- Look for win-win — In every situation assess what would benefit both parties
It is time to develop more sophisticated and evolved ways to deal with challenges and attacks.
3.7 Energetic Aikido
It feels that the best shadow and fight tactics are emerging as soft, gentle, peace-building moves.
As I explore this energetic landscape I see how various techniques will lead to various results and energetic states.
Very aggressive use of shadow aspects might lead to tension build-up and retaliation.
Whereas simple soft defense tactics based on love and respect for your opponent might trigger connection and unification with no aggressiveness build-up.
A whole new world is opening!
It can all be summarized to some core engagement tactics:
- Not attacking
- Defend with ease
- Don’t block the energy
- Use the opponent’s energy
- The end goal is harmony, peace and grace
- Play with grace and harmony
- Stay centered and grounded at all times
- Be in a state of calm and inner peace
3.8 Back to Peace
In the middle of energetic battles, you can feel really high because of the intensity you face.
One of the core skills is to be able to jump in and out of battle really fast!
Even if you have been in this intense fighting, you must be able to step out of it instantly to jump into peace and harmony.
It means as well choosing when and how you go into conquering mode and when you relax.
If you see an argument starting, it is very easy to go back to peace by saying:
- “It looks like we have a different opinion on this topic and that’s ok”
- “Thank you for being true to your beliefs”
- “This is why I enjoy having you in my life”
4. Fight Tactics — How to Fight Well
- What’s the Intention?
- Create a Safe Space First
- Fight Tactics — The Full List
- Verbal Tactics
- Argument Tactics
- How to Play
- The Fight Game
- Sacred Scriptures as Weapons
- Space Control
4.1 What’s the Intention?
The intention is to use a shadow aspect to connect deeper.
Or simply let it out and let it stream.
Or to voice something stacked in your system.
To create freedom.
To own emotions like anger and frustration — rather than being owned by them.
The intention shapes everything that follows.
4.2 Create a Safe Space First
We create a safe space in which the tension, anger or aggressive energies can be expressed.
Here is how to create a safe space:
- You ask for permission before you start
- Set up a time for the session — 15 minutes is a good start
- You don’t touch the other person unless it’s an agreed physical practice
- You can say “Stop” at any time and the session ends immediately
- One spotter or facilitator in case it gets too intense
- After the session, close your eyes and breathe for 1 minute
The container makes the expression safe. Without the container, it’s just chaos.
4.3 Fight Tactics — The Full List
Here are a few possible tactics when trapped in the arguing or fight zone:
- Attack
- Defense
- Apology
- Negation
- Provoking
- Negotiation
- Diplomacy
- Interested
- Violent
- Explosive
- Refaging (stepping back from the field)
- Humor
- Silence
- Withdrawal
The master is the one who can move fluidly between all of these — choosing the right tactic for the right moment.
4.4 Verbal Tactics
Here are some core lines that can save you in the middle of an argument.
They are fun to practice.
They are like chords you can go through over and over again, refining them to the best.
If you master all verbal tactics, you become a VITAL FIGHT MASTER.
Here are some examples:
- “I never gave you the permission to tell me what to do”
- “You don’t have to fix me”
- “You don’t have to agree with me”
- “I respect your opinion and I have a different view on this”
- “My experience of this reality seems to be different than yours”
- “I hear what you are saying. Would you like to hear my view?”
- “I feel this conversation is going toxic. I want to take a break and come back to it another time”
- “Sorry, I’m out of fighting credits for this week. I can’t do this right now”
- “Yes, I’m human. Yes, I’m not perfect”
4.5 Argument Tactics
Here are a few possible ways to phrase things to handle arguments and attacks:
- “That’s an interesting perspective. Here is mine…”
- “I hear you. And I see it differently.”
- “Can we slow down? I want to understand what you’re actually saying.”
- “I’m willing to talk about this. I’m not willing to be spoken to like that.”
- “What do you actually need from me right now?”
- “I want to find a solution. Can we focus on that?”
4.6 How to Play
This is one possible way to play.
Once the space is safe, engage one on one.
The way you engage is by looking at the other person and hitting them with some words, affirmation or truth they don’t see.
It’s a verbal attack.
You look for imperfections or vulnerabilities and hit them with what you see.
This is a specific technique that requires clear agreements, a safe container and a willingness from both sides to engage.
When it works — it clears what months of polite conversation never could.
4.7 The Fight Game
Try this one:
- Two opponents facing each other
- Ideally two people with an emotional charge and tension
- You have 5 minutes
- You alternate with speaking
- One sentence at a time
- No physical contact
- Keep it low volume if you have neighbors
- You can say “Stop” any time if it’s too much
- One spotter or facilitator in case it gets dirty
- After 5 minutes, stop, close your eyes and breathe for 1 minute
4.8 Sacred Scriptures as Weapons
You know, a book can be sacred for a person, a tribe or tradition.
And even in that case, it can be used as a weapon.
You can have a holy book in one hand and a sword in the other forcing people to swallow your message.
The fact that there is love in a scripture doesn’t mean that it can’t be turned around and used to limit people in their freedom of expression.
If a person forces their sacred scriptures in your personal space, the fact that this book is sacred for them doesn’t make the invasion a lesser invasion of your freedom and privacy.
These distinctions are very subtle and in the middle of a religious or spiritual conflict, sacred scriptures will sometimes be used to justify the most incredible atrocities.
This is why people often feel threatened by religion and religious discourses.
It is because they know that a spiritual message sometimes degenerates into abusive, destructive or violent actions.
Keep that in mind!
Sacred scriptures can be weapons.
4.9 Space Control
Many conflicts are triggered by the urge to control space.
This is the original territorial animal instinct.
When you track it back, many conflicts find their root in this basic drive.
Who controls the physical space? Who controls the emotional space? Who controls the narrative space?
The person who controls their own inner space first — controls the room.
5. Escalation, De-Escalation and the Exit
- The Escalation Moves — Know Them by Name
- Avoid Fight Escalation
- The Avoid and Accept Responses
- How to De-Escalate a Fight
- Step Out of Fights Gracefully
- Fighting Dirty
- Conflict Hooks — How to Dodge Drama
5.1 The Escalation Moves — Know Them by Name
Rallying — Building momentum. Each exchange adds fuel. The fire grows.
Escalating — Raising the intensity, the volume, the stakes. More. Bigger. Louder.
Antagonizing — Deliberately poking to get a reaction. Knowing exactly which buttons to push — and pushing them.
Elbowing — Nudging the fight toward a pre-existing wound. Not quite a direct attack, but close enough.
Fighting dirty — Using tactics that go beyond the fight itself. Targeting the person, not the issue.
When you recognize you’re in one of these escalation patterns — say so.
“I notice I’m antagonizing right now. I don’t want to do that.”
Naming the move breaks the spell.
5.2 Avoid Fight Escalation
Here are a few tips to help you come back to peace when you feel tension is rising.
Be smart! Take it as an art form where you play with your communication ninja moves!
- “My experience of this reality seems to be different than yours.”
- “I hear what you are saying. Would you like to hear my view on this topic?”
- “I feel this conversation is going toxic. I want to take a break and come back to it another time.”
- “Sorry, I’m out of fighting credits for this week. I can’t do this right now.”
- “Yes, I’m human. Yes, I’m not perfect.”
5.3 The Avoid and Accept Responses
When a fight approaches, you have two broad options: avoid or accept.
The avoid response means stepping back from the charge — not engaging the fight, at least not right now. “I want to talk about this. Not right now.”
The accept response means engaging — staying in the room, staying in the conversation, meeting the charge with full presence.
Most people default to one or the other — always avoiding, or always accepting.
Mastery is knowing which one is right for this moment.
5.4 How to De-Escalate a Fight
Here are a few tips to help you come back to peace when you feel tension is rising.
- “My experience of this reality seems to be different than yours”
- “I respect your opinion and I have a different view on this topic”
- “Are you open to explore this deeper?”
- “I feel this conversation is going toxic. I want to take a break and come back to it another time”
- “Sorry, I’m out of fighting credits for this week. I can’t do this right now”
- “Yes, I’m human. Yes, I’m not perfect”
5.5 Step Out of Fights Gracefully
Knowing how to exit a fight without making it worse is a skill most people never develop.
- Signal clearly — “I need to step out of this for now.”
- Reassure — “I’m not done with this conversation. I’m not going anywhere. I just need a moment.”
- Set a return — “Can we come back to this in an hour?” Give it a time.
- Actually regulate — Use the time away to genuinely come down.
- Come back — Honor the return time.
Stepping out gracefully says: this conversation matters, you matter, and I need to be in a better state to do it justice.
5.6 Fighting Dirty
Fighting dirty is using tactics that go beyond the fight — tactics that target the person, not the issue.
- Below the belt — Using something your partner shared in vulnerability as a weapon.
- The past dump — Bringing in old grievances to win the current argument.
- Character assassination — “You’re just like your father.”
- Relationship hostage — “Maybe we shouldn’t be together.” Used as pressure.
- Third-party recruitment — “My friends all think you’re the problem.”
Fighting dirty might feel like winning in the moment. It is always losing in the long run.
5.7 Conflict Hooks — How to Dodge Drama
A conflict hook is the specific move that pulls you into a fight you didn’t plan to have.
It’s the tone of voice that sets something off. The loaded phrase. The look. The silence.
The question is not whether the hook will appear. It will. The question is whether you will bite it.
- Recognize it — “That’s the hook.” Name it internally before you react.
- Pause — The hook only works if you respond immediately.
- Choose your response — Not your reaction. Your response. There is a difference.
Owning your hooks together is one of the most intimate things a couple can do.
6. The Tantric Dimension of Fights
- Rivaling — The Sacred Dance of Opposition
- Fight Circle — Play Circle
- Activating and Solving — The Two Poles
- Vital Fight Activations
- Metatrona and Provocatara
- Enjoy the Tension of Opposing Ideas
- Yudha Yama — The Way of the Conscious Fighter
6.1 Rivaling — The Sacred Dance of Opposition
What would happen to humankind if all rivalry was turned into complicity? What a blast!
Rivaling is one of the most misunderstood dynamics in relationships.
You rival someone when you take them seriously. When you respect them enough to push back, challenge, and refuse to simply agree.
In the Vital Tantra system, rivaling is a conscious practice. It is the deliberate engagement of the friction between two strong fields.
- It builds energy — Healthy rivalry generates the same charge as attraction.
- It builds respect — You can’t rival someone you don’t take seriously.
- It builds aliveness — A relationship without any rivaling goes flat.
Rival each other well — and watch what it does to the energy between you.
6.2 Fight Circle — Play Circle
There is a moment in a conscious fight when something shifts.
The fight circle — the structure of tension, peak, release — begins to feel less like combat and more like play.
This is the transition from the Fight Circle to the Play Circle.
In the Play Circle, the expression is freer. Both people can say more, feel more, express more — because the container is trusted.
The Fight Circle and the Play Circle are not opposites. One can become the other — in the right hands.
6.3 Activating and Solving — The Two Poles
Activating — generating charge, building intensity, bringing energy into motion.
Solving — moving toward resolution, integration, and the landing that follows the storm.
Most couples are either stuck in perpetual activation with no resolution — or they rush to solve before the activation has done its work.
Activate fully. Solve completely. Don’t confuse the two — and don’t skip either one.
6.4 Vital Fight Activations
Vital fight practices are amongst the most challenging to integrate.
I encourage you to try this within safe sessions or workshops with me.
But in case you are ready to activate, here are a few practices to get you started:
CAT FIGHT — 5 min practice. Use aggressive cat sounds to communicate. One on one or in group. No physical touch.
5 MIN BLAST — 2 people, face to face. Monologue: “I hate you because…” / “I resent you because…”
FIGHT GAME — Two opponents facing each other. 5 minutes, alternating, one sentence at a time. No physical contact. Say “Stop” any time. After 5 min, close your eyes and breathe for 1 minute.
VERBAL CHALLENGE — One on one with agreement. Find vulnerabilities. 5 min sequences. No physical touch. Drop it at the end of each sequence.
6.5 Metatrona and Provocatara
In the Vital Tantra system, fight energy has archetypes.
Metatrona — the force of absolute truth. The energy that refuses to tolerate illusion. Metatrona in a fight says: no more dancing around this. Let’s be completely real with each other right now.
Provocatara — the provocateur energy. The force that deliberately stirs the pot — not to cause harm, but to break stagnation.
Metatrona with love creates radical honesty. Provocatara with respect creates vital aliveness.
Know which archetype is moving through you when a fight begins.
6.6 Enjoy the Tension of Opposing Ideas
One of the most liberating shifts in a relationship is learning to genuinely enjoy the tension of opposing ideas.
When two people with different perspectives engage at full force, without needing to resolve or agree — something creative happens.
New ideas emerge. Blind spots get illuminated. The relationship becomes a place of genuine intellectual and emotional adventure.
A couple that can enjoy the tension of opposing ideas is a couple that has built something genuinely resilient.
6.7 Yudha Yama — The Way of the Conscious Fighter
Yudha Yama is the Vital Tantra concept for mastery of conflict as a spiritual and energetic practice.
As human beings — and as couples — we need to figure out the codes to solve, harmonize, and channel conflict in wise, clear and powerful ways.
Sometimes activating and sustaining a fight can be a perfectly valid energy-building technique.
Every fight you navigate with awareness is a step on the Yudha Yama path.
The way of the conscious fighter is not the absence of conflict. It is the mastery of the energy that flows through it.
7. Pain, Hangover and Recovery
- Vital Pain — What It Is
- Emotional Tension Is a Conflict Between 2 Energy Realities
- The Fight Hangover Is Real
- How to Step Out — Before You Explode
- Sharing Without Interrupting
- From Hangover to Integration
7.1 Vital Pain — What It Is
Vital pain is not ordinary pain.
Vital pain is the pain that comes from genuine contact — from real engagement, real vulnerability, real intensity.
It is the pain that tells you something important is happening. That you care. That this relationship has real stakes for you. That you are not numb.
The couples who can hold vital pain together — without running, numbing, or retaliating — build something most relationships never reach.
7.2 Emotional Tension Is a Conflict Between 2 Energy Realities
The reason fights are usually distressing is simple.
The fact that there is a fight conflicts with the romantic vision you have for your relationship.
You expect love. You get anger, rage and emotional intensity.
As a couple it is like being hit by a hurricane and having to learn how to play with these energies.
Emotional tension in a fight is two living energy fields pushing against each other. Both are real. Neither is the full picture.
Two people can have completely different experiences of the same event. Both can be true.
7.3 The Fight Hangover Is Real
After a real fight — especially an intense one — there is a hangover.
Not just emotional. Physical.
The cortisol spike, the adrenaline, the sustained nervous system activation — all of that has to come down. And the coming-down period has its own quality. A kind of depletion. A flatness. Sometimes a heaviness that feels like grief.
The fight hangover is not a sign something is wrong. It is the nervous system recovering from a significant event.
Give it what it needs: rest, gentleness, time, and — when you’re ready — real connection.
7.4 How to Step Out — Before You Explode
Knowing how to step out of a conversation before it becomes destructive is one of the most important relationship skills there is.
Not after the explosion. Before it.
“I need to pause this. I’m not in a place where I can be useful right now. Can we come back in 30 minutes?”
Then actually use the time to regulate. Not to plan your next move. To breathe, move, and come back to yourself.
Stepping out at the right moment is not weakness. It is one of the most responsible things you can do.
7.5 Sharing Without Interrupting
One of the most powerful recovery tools after a fight is also one of the simplest.
One person speaks. The other does not interrupt. For a full five minutes.
- Set the timer — 5 minutes each. No exceptions.
- No interruptions — Complete silence from the listener.
- Acknowledge when finished — “Thank you for sharing your truth. I hear everything you said.”
- Then switch — The listener becomes the speaker. The same rules apply.
Two people who feel truly heard stop fighting.
7.6 From Hangover to Integration
The hangover eventually lifts. And when it does, something is usually different.
If the fight was navigated with even partial skill — there is often a clarity on the other side that wasn’t there before.
Something that needed to be said was said. Something that needed to be felt was felt.
Integration is when all of that becomes part of the shared story — not a source of shame or resentment, but a marker of what the relationship can hold.
A well-integrated fight becomes one of the building blocks of a truly strong relationship.
8. Communication and Fight Speech
- How You Speak in a Fight Matters as Much as What You Say
- Getting Offended — Focus on What Really Matters
- The Best Answer When Someone Criticizes You
- I Don’t Give You Permission to Judge Me
- For Some People Debating Is Like a Sport
- Sharing Without Interrupting
- Emotional Violence as Communication — The Fine Line
8.1 How You Speak in a Fight Matters as Much as What You Say
Content matters. Delivery matters more.
Your partner’s nervous system registers the delivery first. Only then — if they haven’t gone into defense or shutdown — can the content be heard.
- Slower is better — Speed signals activation. Slowing down signals regulation.
- Lower is better — Volume escalates fights. Quiet penetrates.
- Pauses are power — Silence before speaking changes the weight of what comes next.
- Own your words — Speak from “I”, not from “you.”
8.2 Getting Offended — Focus on What Really Matters
Getting offended is easy. Almost too easy.
The problem with offense is that it derails the real conversation. The moment you shift into being offended, the focus moves from the issue to the injury.
Ask yourself: Is this offense worth the detour?
- If yes — Name it cleanly and briefly. “That word landed wrong for me. Can you say it differently?”
- If no — Let it pass. Keep your eye on the real issue.
8.3 The Best Answer When Someone Criticizes You
Criticism in a fight almost always triggers one of two responses: defense or collapse.
Neither works.
- Receive it first — Let it land. Don’t immediately respond.
- Find what’s true — Even in an unfair criticism, there is usually a grain worth acknowledging.
- Own the grain — “I can see how what I did came across that way. That part is fair.”
- Decline what isn’t true — “I don’t agree with this part.”
- Stay curious — “Is there more to what you’re trying to say?”
8.4 I Don’t Give You Permission to Judge Me
There is a moment in some fights when the other person stops talking about what happened — and starts delivering a verdict about who you are.
This is the moment to draw a clear line.
“I hear that you’re upset about what happened. I’m willing to talk about that. I’m not willing to accept a character verdict.”
Or simply and directly: “I don’t give you permission to judge me.”
This is not aggression. It is boundary-setting. Clear, calm, and firm.
8.5 For Some People Debating Is Like a Sport
Not every argument is driven by pain or conflict.
For some people, debating is genuinely enjoyable. It is a form of play — a way of engaging the mind, sharpening ideas, and feeling fully alive in an exchange.
The challenge arises when one partner loves debate and the other experiences it as conflict.
- Name it — “I’m not actually upset. I’m enjoying this debate. Is that landing wrong for you?”
- Check in — “How is this landing for you?”
- Adjust if needed — If your partner is in pain while you’re having fun — that matters more than the enjoyment.
8.6 Sharing Without Interrupting
One person speaks. The other does not interrupt. For a full five minutes.
This practice transforms fights because it addresses the core wound underneath most of them: I am not being heard.
When that wound is addressed — directly, fully, without negotiation — the fight often dissolves on its own.
Two people who feel truly heard stop fighting.
8.7 Emotional Violence as Communication — The Fine Line
Right now I talk about emotions, verbal intensity, verbal attacks, emotional charge.
I am not talking about physical violence or abuse.
In the Vital Tantra system, emotional violence is understood as a form of energy, not inherently as damage.
Imagine being in a boat that is unsinkable, a kind of floating submarine. Imagine that you are strapped and exposed to the elemental power of nature. You know the storm will be there for an hour or two and then the weather shifts back to sunshine. That’s how you can perceive emotional intensity!
Your lover might come at you with enormous charge — and then go back to loving you passionately.
You can be in the middle of this storm and say to yourself: “It’s pure fire! I love it.”
Most of you will run away when exposed to emotional intensity. Leaving the scene is the healthiest response in most cases. I totally agree with that.
Vital fights approaches is a mystical or energetic mastery path — not a requirement for a healthy relationship.
