Communication problems in relationships tend to repeat. Here are 16 common ones couples face, each with the skill that solves it, its Nonviolent Communication lens, an example of how it sounds, and one thing to try.
1. Misunderstandings
Misinterpreting each other’s words or intentions.
Most misunderstandings aren’t about the words. They’re about the meaning each person attached to them.
- The Skill — Clear and precise communication.
- NVC Lens — Observations: fact-based, without judgment.
- Sounds Like — “I thought you meant tonight, not tomorrow.”
- Try This — Repeat back what you heard before you respond: “So you’re saying…?”
2. Lack Of Openness
Not being open or honest about feelings or thoughts.
What goes unsaid doesn’t disappear. It turns into distance.
- The Skill — Honesty and transparency.
- NVC Lens — Feelings: expressing true feelings.
- Sounds Like — “I’m fine.” (when you’re not)
- Try This — Share one true feeling a day, even a small one.
3. Poor Listening Skills
Not listening attentively or empathetically.
Waiting for your turn to talk is not listening.
- The Skill — Active and empathetic listening.
- NVC Lens — Requests: listening to others’ needs.
- Sounds Like — “Yeah, yeah, I know. Anyway…”
- Try This — Put the phone down and reflect the feeling before you offer a view.
4. Avoidance Of Sensitive Topics
Avoiding discussions about certain sensitive or uncomfortable topics.
The topics you avoid are often the ones quietly running the relationship.
- The Skill — Courage to address difficult issues.
- NVC Lens — Needs: acknowledging sensitive needs.
- Sounds Like — “Can we talk about that later?” (for the fifth time)
- Try This — Book a specific time and open with: “This is hard for me to bring up, and I want us to be okay.”
5. Non-Verbal Miscommunication
Misreading body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions.
Your face and tone often speak louder than your words.
- The Skill — Awareness of body language and tone.
- NVC Lens — Observations: noticing non-verbal cues.
- Sounds Like — “I’m not upset.” (said with crossed arms and a flat voice)
- Try This — Ask instead of assuming: “I noticed your tone changed. What’s going on?”
6. Overreacting Or Hyper-Sensitivity
Becoming overly emotional or sensitive during discussions.
When a small comment sparks a big reaction, something older is usually underneath it.
- The Skill — Emotional self-regulation.
- NVC Lens — Feelings: identifying emotional responses.
- Sounds Like — “Why are you always attacking me?” (after a mild comment)
- Try This — Take a break of about twenty minutes, breathe slowly, then come back to the conversation.
7. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.
Indirect messages get indirect results.
- The Skill — Direct and assertive expression.
- NVC Lens — Requests: clear, direct communication.
- Sounds Like — “Fine. Do whatever you want.”
- Try This — Say it plainly: “I’m upset that the plans changed without asking me.”
8. Unresolved Past Conflicts
Bringing up past issues instead of focusing on the current discussion.
Old fights stay alive until they’re actually finished.
- The Skill — Focusing on present issues.
- NVC Lens — Needs: addressing underlying needs.
- Sounds Like — “This is just like last year when you…”
- Try This — Park the old issue, and schedule a separate time to resolve it properly.
9. Time Management
Struggling to find time for meaningful conversations.
Meaningful conversations rarely happen in leftover minutes.
- The Skill — Prioritizing communication time.
- NVC Lens — Requests: negotiating time for communication.
- Sounds Like — “We never have time to talk.”
- Try This — Set a weekly thirty-minute check-in with phones away.
10. Cultural Or Linguistic Differences
Challenges arising from differing cultural backgrounds or language barriers.
The same sentence can carry very different meanings across cultures and languages.
- The Skill — Cultural sensitivity and patience.
- NVC Lens — Observations and feelings: acknowledging differences without judgment.
- Sounds Like — “In my family, this is how we show respect.”
- Try This — Ask “What does that mean to you?” before deciding what it means.
11. Failure To Acknowledge Effort
Not recognizing or appreciating the other’s efforts in communication or relationship building.
Effort that goes unnoticed eventually stops.
- The Skill — Recognition and appreciation.
- NVC Lens — Needs: recognizing the need for appreciation.
- Sounds Like — “I did all of that and you didn’t even say thanks.”
- Try This — Name one specific thing your partner did today and what it meant to you.
12. Assuming Instead Of Asking
Making assumptions about each other’s thoughts or feelings instead of asking directly.
Every assumption is a guess dressed up as a fact.
- The Skill — Curiosity and open-ended questions.
- NVC Lens — Observations: separating observation from interpretation.
- Sounds Like — “I knew you’d be upset, so I didn’t tell you.”
- Try This — Turn the assumption into a question: “I’m guessing you’re upset because… is that right?”
13. Technology Interference
Allowing technology (phones, TV, etc.) to interrupt or distract from communication.
A phone on the table says something, even when it’s silent.
- The Skill — Mindful and uninterrupted conversations.
- NVC Lens — Requests: agreeing on tech-free communication time.
- Sounds Like — “Hold on, one sec…” (eyes still on the screen)
- Try This — Agree on phone-free zones: meals and the first ten minutes after you reunite.
14. Fear Of Vulnerability
Hesitancy to be vulnerable and open about personal fears, desires, or weaknesses.
Protecting yourself from being hurt often protects you from being known.
- The Skill — Courage to be vulnerable.
- NVC Lens — Feelings: expressing vulnerabilities.
- Sounds Like — “It’s nothing, forget it.”
- Try This — Start small: “This is a little scary to say, but…”
15. Projection
Projecting one’s own feelings or insecurities onto the partner.
What irritates you most in your partner is sometimes something you’re carrying yourself.
- The Skill — Self-awareness and reflection.
- NVC Lens — Observations and feelings: distinguishing between self and other.
- Sounds Like — “You’re so insecure.” (about a feeling you have yourself)
- Try This — Ask yourself: “Is this about what they did, or about what I’m carrying?”
16. Gaslighting
Manipulating the partner to question their own reality or feelings.
Being told again and again that your memory or feelings are wrong isn’t a communication style. It’s a pattern to take seriously.
- The Skill — Asserting reality and setting boundaries.
- NVC Lens — Needs and requests: asserting reality and asking for respect.
- Sounds Like — “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- Try This — Keep notes of what happened, state your reality calmly: “I know what I experienced.” If it keeps happening, talk to a therapist or counselor you trust.
Pick one challenge and one skill this week. Small, repeated practice is what changes how a couple communicates.
If you recognize your relationship in several of these, reach out for coaching and let’s work on the skills together.
Keep Reading
- Principles Of Non-Violent Communication Or NVC
- NVC In 20 Points
- 20 Fight Triggers — What To Say To Disarm The Fight
- Stop Dropping Emotional Bombs — How To Share Your Truth Without Destroying Your Relationship
